Breathless
by Fei Xue
Summary: Shoujo ai. Quistis. Rinoa. And the road to love.
1. Prologue: Virgin State of Mind

Breathless

****

Tyrael aka LiangFeng

**Also Kooritenshi**

Prologue: Virgin State of Mind 

_There's a chair_

_In my head_

_In which I use to sit_

_Took a pencil and I wrote_

_The following on it…_

_"Virgin State of Mind", K's Choice_

Sometimes I find myself wondering about you. Why I find myself so entranced by you. How you light me up with such emotion, such desire…such happiness. You make me happy, you make me smile, you make me laugh. I feel like…I feel something I haven't felt in so long. I can lose myself in you. I can get lost in your warm smile. I am gone in your soft brown eyes. Sometimes I am so far away…but never far enough. Not enough to say how I feel, not enough to stop the tears, not enough to say I love you.

For as much as you make me happy, for every ounce of joy you give to me, you make every tear that fall from my eyes. I cry like a lovesick teenager over you. To know that your heart will never be mine but mine is yours drives me to the dark places of my mind. I wonder how you can make me feel so easily. I wonder how-

"Quistis?"

Quistis' head shot up, her eyes leaving the plate of food that rested on the table in front of her, untouched, to the faces of the people that sat around the dining table with her.

"Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying about Friday night, Selphie?"

Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine all exchanged glances with each other, all of them caught off guard by Quistis' sudden out of character behavior. It wasn't like Quistis to suddenly zone out during a conversation. They had been calling her name for quite a while now before Quistis even acknowledged them. Who knows? Maybe the stress of having her newly restored instructor license was catching up to her. Hyne knows that not everyone had it in them to stay up until 2 AM every night grading papers.

"We were thinking about heading out to do some shopping. Maybe catch a movie, you know! Doesn't that sound like fun, Quisty?" Selphie asked giddily as she bounced about on her feet.

"Uh huh, sure Selphie." She mumbled as she picked up her fork and started poking at her vegetables.

Selphie blinked and somewhere in the backgroung, Zell coughed. Everyone but Quistis turned to look at him.

"I need to bail. I need to teach my San Shou class in ten minutes." Zell said as he rose from his chair to head towards the classroom.

"What happened to your Muay Thai class?"

"Everyone ditched." Zell shrugged.

"You're kidding!"

"Nope. Anyways, gotta go. I'll see you guys later." Zell waved as he started to jog off towards the direction of the elevator.  

"Hey, wait up!" Rinoa cried as she started towards Zell. "I have class too you know!" 

"By the way," Selphie walked towards them, joining in on their conversation. "How ARE you finding the SeeD qualifications course?"

"Instructor Simons is a meanie!"

"Oh yeah I had him too, that dirty bastard…"

"Selphie watch your mouth." Quistis called dully to her, still staring at her unfinished food.

Selphie turned and only stuck her tongue out at the blonde, playfully, and mock saluted her. "Yes, Instrutor Trepe." She teased as she walked hurriedly to catch up with Zell and Rinoa, their fading voices and laughter dying out against the roar of all the students conversing in cafeteria.

Irvine pulled up the seat nearest to Quistis', crossed his arms upon the table and laid his head down to stare at Quistis and to the cold plate of broccoli, potatoes, and asparagus, trying to guess the pattern she was arranging her food in. "You okay, Quisty?"

"I'm fine, thank you Irvine." She replied automatically, as if she had given the answer a million times.

"Really? 'Cause if you need anyone to talk to…you know I'm here for you right?" Irvine asked carefully, an amused expression on his face as he watched Quistis finish pushing her fork around.

"Irvine, what do you want?" Quistis dropped her eating utensil and glared at the cowboy in annoyance.

"Nothing. You just seem like you have something troubling you." Irvine shrugged, a bit hurt at Quistis' act of rebuff. "Just thought I could help…"

Quistis sighed apologetically. "Oh Irvine, I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. I know you were only trying to help me and…" She rubbed at her temples, trying to relieve the pressure that rested there.

"It's okay. I know you're going under a lot of stress." Irvine waved it off. "So you wanna talk about it?"

Quistis shook her head and smiled. Though Irvine could act like a real lecher at times, he was in fact a good friend. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Really?" Irvine smirked and pointed at Quistis' plate, letting out a bark of laughter when he saw Quistis' eyes grow five times their normal size. Patting Quistis on her shoulder he rose to leave. "I'll see you soon, Quisty."

The blonde gave no response or acknowledgement that she had heard Irvine nor knew that he had left. Quistis stared unbelievably at the pattern she had arranged absently when deep in her thoughts. Written in vegetables was a single word.

**R-I-N-O-A**


	2. Chapter One: Everything You Need

**Breathless**

**By Tyrael aka LiangFeng**

Beta- Read by Kooritenshi Chapter One: Everything You Need _I am everything you want_ _I am everything you need_ _I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be_ _I say all the right things at exactly the right time_ _But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why…_ _"Everything You Need", Vertical Horizon___

Damn that Irvine! Quistis thought in contempt as she dumped the plate in the garbage bin along with the fork. She did it with such force that she almost spilled the trashcan over, but managed to steady it just in time. 

With annoyance in her eyes, she departed the cafeteria, her steps heavy with anger. Her boots made loud thumping noises against the tiled floors of the hallways, announcing her fury to the rest of the Garden. In an attempt to calm herself down, she reminded herself of the things that needed to be attended to. This was not the time to worry over things of unimportance. 

_That's right, we have the SeeD exam. Lives are at risk here. You can go over your pathetic teenage angst later._ She thought to herself sarcastically. 

Quistis waited for the elevator to reach her floor before stepping inside and pressing the button to reach the classrooms. Watching the doors slide shut and the elevator rise to bring her to her destination, she couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't teenage angst. 

Stepping out into the classroom halls, she passed the room where the cadets and students were trained in martial arts. The room was divided in half; one side was laid with carpet, the other with hardwood. The more violent arts took place on the carpet, where impacts could be absorbed when hitting the floor and minimizing the number of injuries, and the less bloody ones were on the hardwood. It was needless to say that the carpet was red. 

All cadets were taught an art of their choosing, a requirement for SeeD that they take at least one unit or course, so that they could defend themselves when disarmed. A very thoughtful idea since students selected weapons to be trained in upon entering the Garden and hand to hand combat was not stressed. 

Peering inside the glass walls, she could see Zell instructing a student on the most efficient take down against a larger opponent. But of course, the student was slow and, Quistis had to admit, more than a bit clumsy. She continued to watch on in amusement as the cadet tripped over Zell's foot, and knocking into him and causing the both of them to come tumbling to the floor. Zell, with his years of martial art training, was able to save himself. However, the cadet was not so lucky and was left kissing the floor. Quistis smiled to herself before deciding to move on. 

Upon reaching her classroom, she lifted her hand to the keypad against the wall to type out the numbers that would unlock the door. There was a click and a soft hiss as the lock came undone and Quistis stepped in. 

She immediately made her way to her desk that rested facing the rows and rows of desks and computer consoles. Resting herself in the spacious leather chair that sat before her computer, she turned the machine on and proceeded to log into the Balamb computer network. She immediately went to the student roster to see who had already qualified for the exam, searching through the list to see who had been added. 

Irvine, who had recently transferred to Balamb, permanently, to be at Selphie's side, was taking the test next year, having not yet completed the necessary units. And Rinoa? 

Ah yes, dear Rinoa, who had just started her training but a few months ago. She too would be taking next years' exam, as Quistis recalled from last week's conversation with Squall.

Quistis removed her glasses with a sigh and rubbed vigorously at her temples again. So much for using work to take her mind off things! 

"Damn it to Hell!" She growled as she slammed her fist into her desk, the half-full mug of cold coffee she had left here the day before gave a shudder and almost tipped over, had she not reached over quickly to set it right. She gave a hopeless sigh as she buried her face in her hands to stifle a scream of frustration. 

Why couldn't she make it stop? Why wouldn't the feeling stop? Why was she feeling this way? 

She clenched her hands into fists in anger, her ice blue eyes growing hard and cold. Things were getting along just fine until she started feeling what she did. It confused her in so many ways and almost drove her insane with fury. She hated being under the spell of something she could not comprehend, something she could not control. 

But most of all she hated the dreams. To go to sleep and dream dreams of warmth and comfort in the arms of a dark-haired brown-eyed stranger. To feel the warm hands that caressed and cradled her body lovingly and hear the words she so longed to hear spoken from a beloved, whispered softly in her ear. To be caught in the gaze of eyes that looked at her with passion, devotion, and love. Lips that kissed her gently on the mouth, nibbled at her neck and collarbone, teasing her with a tinge of playful mischievousness. 

But always in the end, she would wake up to find herself once again alone. It recalled to her of the difference between fantasies and reality. It reminded her that she would always be alone. She would always wake up to no one. She would never have what her heart longed for. She would never have someone to love and love her back. It was just pathetic girly dreams of her childhood: to grow up and find the love of her life and live happily ever after. But now she watched as happy couples strolled by her, reminding her of what she wanted so badly but could never have. It taunted her and tore at her already battered heart. She was born alone and would die alone. And forever, Rinoa would haunt her thoughts. 

Who else would it be? Quistis thought bitterly to herself. In her hands, she played idly with the cup of cold coffee she had neglected to return to the cafeteria. 

Who else drove her to the brink of madness in pursuit of the truth of her emotions? Who else made her shut the door to her heart in order to protect herself from the inevitable heartbreak? Who else made her feel so loved and so alone at the same time?

Who else…but Rinoa Heartily…

Quistis couldn't take it. The flurry of emotions, sadness, pain, hate, longing, love…it was all too much for the young woman. In a fit of rage, she hurled the mug of stale coffee from her, watching it as it sailed across the classroom to shatter against the far wall, sending a shower of brown liquid and ceramic chips flying all across the room. 

Unfortunately for her, Xu had just walked in the door. 

"For the love of Hyne!" Xu shouted as a flying shard of coffee mug missed her head by mere centimeters. "What in hell is going on here?!" 

"Go away!" Quistis snapped, not looking up from where she rested. 

Xu paused to take in her surroundings. Quistis sat at the instructor's desk, her elbows on the table with her head cradled in her hands. It was obvious to anyone that she was in serious emotional stress and would not be bothered. "Quistis?" 

"I'm fine!" Quistis replied quickly, as if it were automated. 

"Okay okay. My goodness…Do you want me to get someone to clean this up?" Xu offered, eyeing the mess. 

Pause. "No, no it's fine. I'll get it." Quistis said quietly. So quietly that Xu almost didn't hear and had to strain her ears. 

The fellow instructor nodded. "I just brought you the uh…papers for Class B-2." 

"Just leave it." The answer was just as quiet as the last. 

Xu nodded, leaving the manila folder containing the papers on the nearest desk, before leaving the room. All the while thinking to herself that the incident should be reported to the headmaster or at least the commander. If she didn't, who knows what might happen. They could have instructors having nervous breakdowns left and right! This is a grim situation indeed! 

Meanwhile, the storm that raged in Quistis' mind only grew stronger. The darkness that threatened to consume her swelled and ate away at the light within her. But again, like so many times before, she shook away the feelings of despair and returned to existence. 

Standing up from her chair, she walked over to the far wall, where her cup had fallen. Kneeling down, she reached to pick up the broken shards, gathering them in her hands. However, the cold coffee was cold and slick, and the fragments were sharp. And with a careless slip of her fingers, a piece of mug slid and sliced into her palm.. Quistis felt the pain dig into her but could not bring herself to care. She lifted her hand to stare passionlessly at the blood running down her palm. Then with sudden swiftness, the embedded sliver was enclosed within her palm, driven further into her skin. 

Quistis clenched her fist tighter and tighter, gritting her teeth against the pain that racked her body but welcomed it within her soul. She watched as the blood ran freely, coursing down her forearm in rivets, dripping off her elbow onto the floor. It was sheer ecstasy! A part of her was screaming for release, begging for her to stop her self-mutilation, but the majority of her begged for more, begged for punishment. 

She dropped the rest of the fragments to the floor as she rose to her feet, making her way to the door. Fixed upon her face was a grim smile and a new determination burned inside of her. 

She walked among the shadows, to avoid the gazes of passer-bys and not draw attention to her bleeding hand. She prayed to dear Hyne that no one would notice the figure of the blonde instructor skulking around in the shadows of the hallways long enough for her to reach her dorm room. 

She almost made it…almost, but not quite. And who were to see her? Perhaps it was fate, maybe it was coincidence, but it was Rinoa who saw her purely by chance. Saw the young instructor's sad eyes but it was the fixed smile that disturbed her deeply, a sad sorrowful smile that brought a frown upon her lips. Surely this could not be a good sign. 

"Quistis!" Rinoa called out as she jogged over to where the SeeD stood. 

Quistis' head darted up and her eyes went wide as she registered who was addressing her. "Someone up there must hate me…" Quistis thought as the younger girl walked forward. 

"Hey, Quisty! What's up?" Rinoa waved as she ran to her friend's side. 

"Oh, you know," Quistis replied casually, as she slipped her bleeding hand discreetly behind her back. "The usual." She put on the happy face she had put on before so many times. It was the smile to hide her sorrow, the mask to blot out her troubles and darkest secrets. A mask that Rinoa saw right through. 

Rinoa noticed the haunting aura of sadness that hung over Quistis like a shadow. It had been there for quite awhile, ever since the day she first set eyes on the blonde, the suffering was evident. It was unnerving that the young SeeD was going through so much and her friends didn't even pause to notice. How could anyone be so blind? 

"Walk with me?" Rinoa smiled, touching Quistis gently on the arm.

However Quistis was not in the mood for any sort of cheering up. "Rinoa I don't have time for this sort of non-" 

"Just for a few minutes." Rinoa tried again, pleading. Quistis opened her mouth to profess again but paused as deep brown eyes found their gaze upon her. They looked at her with such warmth, kindness, and a little bit of expectancy. How could she refuse? 

With a little bit of annoyance. 

Quistis sighed deeply, but before she could reply, the cut on her hand reopened and the blood ran freely to drip off her arm and splatter to the floor. Quistis automatically reached her free hand to her bloody one, to staunch the flow of her vital fluid, and also in a pathetic attempt to keep Rinoa from noticing. But alas, too late. 

"My God, Quistis!" Rinoa all but yelled out in shock. Quistis winced at the volume of Rinoa's voice but Rinoa mistakenly put pain as the cause. "Are you okay? What happened?" She reached out to take Quistis' wounded hand in hers but Quistis pulled away almost as if by instinct. 

"It was an accident." Quistis offered pitifully. 

Rinoa visibly frowned, the discovery of Quistis mutilation was alarming and something inside her told her that the wound was not an accident at all. "Come on. Let's go to the infirmary." 

"No!" Quistis said in a loud voice that surprised both her and Rinoa. Then in a softer tone, "It's not that serious." 

Rinoa wrinkled her forehead in thought. "Well let's go to my place and have a look at it. And don't even THINK about protesting." 

Quistis closed her jaw with an audible snap, the defiance dying on her lips. 

But as Rinoa took her uninjured hand and led her away into the dormitory halls, Quistis couldn't help but smile. Maybe she'll just suffer just a little while longer.


	3. Chapter Two: Someday

**Breathless**

**By Tyrael aka LiangFeng**

**Also With Kooritenshi**

**Chapter Two: Someday**

How the hell we wind up like this?  
Why weren't we able   
To see the signs that we missed  
And try to turn the tables  
  
I wished you'd unclench your fists   
And unpack your suitcase  
Lately there's been to much of this  
Don't think its too late…

Someday, Somehow  
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now  
I know your wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, Somehow   
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now  
I know your wondering when

--Nickelback, "Someday"

Rinoa led the blonde down the halls, through the winding corridors of the dormitories and at last arrived at what was probably the most secluded dorm room in all of Garden. The walk had been somewhat long and Quistis' wound was deep and continued to bleed freely. So much blood had been spilled in fact that Rinoa worried that Quistis could suffer from blood loss. However, when questioned, the instructor merely waved her off with her free hand, bloody as it was. Quistis made a note to herself to get someone to clean up the trail of blood she had left.

Rinoa held open the door and made a silly bow. A bow not unlike a chauffer would make opening the door of his vehicle for his client to step into. The scene was so comical that Qustis couldn't help but crack a smile before entering the room.

It was large and fairly pleasant. And Quistis noticed that it was considerably better than any student, SeeD, or instructor dorm. But of course Squall was commander and Cid insisted he have the best. But good old Squall. Quistis had never seen him protest to something so much! It was almost funny had it not been so embarrassing to the poor guy. But however the headmaster was not to be denied.

And when Quistis looked about her, she had to admit that she was impressed. Oak-paneled walls with plush carpet? That must've cost a fortune! Not too mention all the other furnishings in the room. If she was not mistaken that computer on the desk in the corner was a state of the art Mach NP 4000! Goodness, the grades she could file with that! But that wasn't the only thing that awed Quistis. The entire opposite wall was made of sliding glass doors, bulletproof of course, that extended to a broad balcony surveying a breath-taking view of the Balamb Sea.

"Beautiful…" Quistis breathed.

"I know, isn't it?" Rinoa said coming up from behind her. "Isn't Cid such a great man?"

Quistis just nodded.

They stood together for a second, each watching the sun high above shine it's light upon Balamb's crystal-clear waters. Birds soared across the sky's bright blue as boats skimmed across the sea's wavy surface, cutting a rift through the water before the waves smoothed it out again. It was peaceful; it was serene. And for the first time in a long time Rinoa felt the darkness within Quistis thin out and recede just a little bit. There was a storm inside of her, Rinoa thought as she glanced discreetly over at Quistis who stared out to the sea. It ebbed and flowed like the tides. And soon it would consume her. She would drown in her own sorrow. 

There was a ghost of a smile that lingered on Quistis' face. Not like the one she had worn when she had discovered her slinking about in the hallways. This one was of small enjoyment, like Quistis was afraid of letting herself enjoy this moment of peace. Like she was guilty she was letting herself indulge. As if the moment of contentment would shatter if she did smile. And behind that caution, was a little love. And a little bit of hope for…something better.

However the moment of contentment did shatter. Disrupted by a small "plat-platting" noise. They both looked down to find Quistis' arm still bleeding heavily, dripping crimson liquid onto the carpet, running from the ribbons of blood that decorated her arm.

"Oh shit…" Quistis groaned.

"Hey! NOW who needs to watch their mouth?" Rinoa joked, remembering Quistis reprimanding Selphie at the cafeteria for similar accounts. Quistis managed the weakest of smiles as Rinoa walked off towards what Quistis guessed was the bathroom. "No sweat, Quisty. We'll clean it up later." She said as she disappeared around the corridor. "Right now, let's have a look at your arm. Make yourself at home!" She called out.

Quistis looked about her, finding a suitable resting place on the couch. Seating herself, she held her arm up and held her other hand under the wound, to catch the drippings that fell into her palm. She couldn't help but feel a sort of embarrassment about the whole situation. But before she could delve into the subject, Rinoa came walking out of the bathroom with a pan of warm water and a strip of clean white cloth in her hands.

"Scooch." Rinoa commanded, nodding to her.

Quistis obliged, moving over so that Rinoa could seat herself next to her. She did so with caution, taking care not to spill the pan of water. She set it on the coffee table in front of them before dipping an edge of cloth into the water, drawing it out, and wiping the hand Quistis used to catch the blood dry before proceeding to the wounded hand, dabbing at the opening carefully.

"After we clean it we'll see if we can take it out. If not, we're going to Dr. K."

"Dr. K?" Quistis stared. "She lets you call her that?"

Rinoa giggled a bit girlishly. "No." She said dipping the cloth into the water again before squeezing it damp. "It just annoys the heck out of her."

Quistis rolled her eyes but couldn't help but smile. Rinoa noticed as she glanced up with her eyes as a real full-blown smile tugged at the instructor's lips. It brought a grin to her own face.

"You should smile more." She said quietly.

"Didn't you say that to Squall once upon a time?"

"Yeah." Rinoa snickered but it soon faded off into a frown as she examined the object embedded in Quistis' limb. "How did you do this? It's really deep…"

"I dropped a cup and tried to clean it up." Quistis answered grimly.

"How'd it get stuck in your hand like that?" Rinoa eyed her, fully suspicious. This conversation was quickly headed downhill and it didn't look like it was getting up anytime soon.

"Slipped."

"I'll bet." Rinoa muttered under her breath as she turned her head away and prodded Quistis' hand with her forefinger. The mug handle was caught fast somewhere in between the blonde's wrist and palm, making a gut-twitching sight. "You think I don't see you, Quistis?" She tried to say 'Quistis' but because of her agitation, the words came out a whisper.

The instructor looked at the girl and blinked through her glasses. "What?"

"Nothing." Rinoa sighed. "We need to get this out before we can do a healing spell. You ready?"

Quistis nodded, bracing herself. She didn't even flinch when Rinoa yanked the cup fragment from her hand. Her other hand flew to the wound again, to stall the flow of new blood as Rinoa quickly disposed of the obstructing object in a nearby trash can. "Curaga." Quistis murmured, and almost immediately the wound began to repair itself. In a matter of seconds, all that was left of the angry gash was a faint scar. Quistis judged that after a few days it would fade completely.

Rinoa handed Quistis the clean towel with which to wipe off the blood that had dried to almost a layer of crusty flakes on her forearms, before sitting down beside the blonde. She watched as Quistis scrubbed the blood away with the damp cloth, turning the once white washcloth a pale red. She leaned back into the couch staring out the window walls, far off into the horizon. Almost absently, her hand flew to her throat, her fingers finding the chain that held her mother's wedding band and the ring Squall had given her. "Do you think about your parents, Quisty?"

Quistis looked up and blinked, caught off guard by the question. She wrung the damp washcloth out into the pan before giving her hands a quick final wipe. "Sometimes."

"Sometimes?" Rinoa looked at the blonde questioningly.

"I don't remember them really." Quistis shrugged falling back into the comfort of the couch with Rinoa, her hand folded in her lap, the cloth still interlocked with her fingers. "I think my mom was pretty, long red hair with green eyes…And my father was tall with short blonde hair. And I've always got the feeling that he wasn't exactly the happiest man ever."

"What makes you think that?" Rinoa asked, shifted her body to face Quistis, pulling her feet up to fold them in front of her, hugging her knees.

Quistis shrugged again. "I really don't know. The GFs sort of killed all of the memories."

Rinoa frowned. "That's so sad…"

"What is?"

"Not being able to remember your family." Rinoa sighed, a bit sorry for Quistis that she had no memories of her mother or father.

_I seriously doubt that._ Quistis thought to herself. She didn't know why but a part of her didn't want to remember her parents…her father in particular. She guessed that her childhood before she went to the orphanage wasn't a pleasant one.

"I don't know. Matron and Headmaster Cid always made me feel like the orphanage was my home. Squall, Selphie, Ellone…even Seifer in a way; they were my brothers and sisters."

"Happy times?" Rinoa grinned, hoping to get another smile from the instructor.

"Best times." Rinoa's wish was granted. 

It was uplifting to remember the times she, Selphie, Zell, and Irvine ran around in the surf, splashing through the ocean waters and building sand castles. Sometimes, when they were angry or frustrated with each other because the other didn't know how to build a battlement right, they would kick sand at each other. However, now, as Quistis thought back on it, it was amusing to see in her head, a picture of Zell running away from a furious Selphie who was pelting him with clumps of sand. But as suddenly as the smile had appeared, it disappeared.

"What?" Rinoa asked, in concern, fearful about Quistis' sudden change in mood.

"Memories are nice…but that's all they are. Memories." Quistis said a bit wistfully.

"That's not true…" Rinoa protested, a bit taken back. "You can look back on them and feel happy. You can remember how it was to feel warm and what it was like to be in their company."

To this, Quistis had no reply but could only stare out to the open sea with emotionless eyes. It scared Rinoa to see Quistis' eyes so blank and devoid of feeling. Eyes were the windows to the soul…but to see Quistis' ice blue eyes…it was almost as if she had no soul.

The phone on the corner of table rang. Rinoa gave a jump into the air that was at least ten feet. She blushed in embarrassment. Quistis however just turned to stare at the phone with a bit of relief.

Rinoa leaned forward to grab the phone. "Hello?"

"Rinoa?" A voice Rinoa identified as Squall's answered.

"Oh, hi sweetie! How's it going?" Rinoa visibly brightened and her voice grew lighter, however somewhere far back in her mind she felt Quistis surrender to the darkness.

Quistis felt herself sink into misery once more. In a way, she hated Squall and everything that he had but she didn't. What made him better than her? What was it about him that made everyone feel like they should rally to him? What did Rinoa see in him? For the first time in her entire life, she understood Seifer and what made him despise Squall so much.

Deciding that this was the appropriate time to make her exit, she mouthed a quick, "I'll see you" before leaving for the door.

Rinoa nodded, making a weak attempt to smile and waved as her friend left the dorm, watching as the blonde closed the door quietly as she could behind her, as if not to disturb her conversation with Squall.

"It's hell. Have you seen Quistis lately? We've been looking all over for her!"

"Well um…she just left actually." Rinoa blinked. "Is there something wrong?"

She heard Squall sigh on the other end of the phone. "Can you find her? It's really important. She was supposed to pick up the new students at the Balamb Train Station today but she didn't. Can you call her for me?"

Rinoa ran over to the door and opened it with a bang. She glanced outside quickly but the blonde was nowhere in sight. She gave a heaving sigh of frustration before closing it. "I don't have her dorm number."

"It should be in the phone book. Sorry, but I really need to go."

In the background, Rinoa could hear Xu and Cid calling to Squall, no doubt shouting something that seemed important but wasn't. "Okay, okay. But be home for dinner, alright? I'm making beef stroganoff."

She could almost see Squall's slight smile and nod as he hung up. After talking on the phone so much with him, she could read him like a book. Almost like Quistis had, once upon a time. 

_Squall…Quistis…_

That was when the startling realization hit her.


	4. Chapter Three: Paperdoll

**Breathless**

**By Tyrael aka LiangFeng**

**Also Kooritenshi**

Chapter 4: Paperdoll   
  
Now her soul is dead, now her bodies raw,   
You can numb her pain  
Watch the blood run down her face.  
But don't take notice.  
Watch the blood run down her arms.  
Please don't take notice. --Kittie, "Paperdoll" 

_Is this it? Is this how it's going to be? I'm going to live my life alone with you haunting my dreams forever. Am I not allowed to love?_

Quistis sat alone in her dorm, the windows and doors shut and locked. Slumped in her chair, she stared blankly at the wall opposite of her. Her blue eyes were glazed over in thought. She blinked a few times to clear them and tried her best to shake off the misery from her but found that she could not. She would not. 

_Why must I be the one to suffer? Why am I the one left in the darkness?_

She placed a hand on the table in front of her, groping around in the drawer until she felt the cold steel blade of a simple boot knife. Pulling it to her, she held it up to eye-level, balancing the deadly blade between her fingers, her gaze watching the dim light, if any, in the room to refract from the blade. 

_Why can't anyone see me? Why is it so hard?_

She lowered the blade lightly against her forearm, tracing zigzag lines across her pale skin. Her eyes darkened.

_Bring me solace. Set me free._

Digging deep into her skin, the knife tore a neat line across her wrist. Blood seeped to the surface of her skin, dripping heavily onto the mahogany tabletop. Clenching and unclenching her fist to make the blood flow faster, she gritted her teeth against the pain but never uttered a word, never made even the slightest sound. She reveled in the ecstasy. The pain was terrible in the sensitive skin of her wrist, roaring in her ears, but inside, she moaned with pleasure. 

She wanted more, she needed more! It felt so wonderful! 

The knife slashed the flesh underneath the previous gash and blood flowed once more, the warm red liquid running together as one thick line. How could anything so terrible feel so good? 

She did it again and again and soon the whole table was soaked with her blood, dripping onto the carpet. She continued doing it until she could do no more. Then, finally, she dropped the blade to the floor, slumping back into her chair, spent. Almost instantly, she was overcome with an unnatural sleep, whether from loss of blood or from the ordeal, she did not know. But even in her dreams, the face of a dark-haired bright-eyed girl haunted her. 

_Why can't you see me?_

*~*

"Where is she?!" Selphie had nearly gave herself a heart attack as she screamed over and over again the question everyone had been asking themselves for the past few hours. Where in Hyne's name was Quistis Trepe?

"Selphie, calm down. This isn't doing us any good." Irvine pleaded with his girlfriend as he tried his best to get Selphie to sit back down in her chair. 

"Did anyone check her dorm?" Xu asked the staff, eyeing them each with an inquisitive, if not accusing stare. They all shrugged and stared back at her.

"I called her but no one picked up." Rinoa gave a hopeless shrug; she was thoroughly worried over her friend's disappearance. She remembered the way Quistis had left her dorm, miserable and full of anger. 

Xu had called together an emergency meeting surrounding the mysterious disappearance of Quistis Trepe. The entire staff was present, save the instructors who had classes to manage. 

"Well, check again!" Xu cried as she rubbed her temples. Rinoa eagerly jumped up to rush out of the office, Selphie quickly tailing behind. Selphie's cries could be heard as they ran down the hallway, yelling at Rinoa to hurry her slowpoke ass up. 

"You two!"

The two staff members she had just pointed to jolted awake from their obvious napping.

"Check out the training center." Xu ordered. Squall, Irvine, and Zell looked at her fearfully.

"You don't think…" Zell stated fearfully.

"Hyne help us, let's hope not." Xu answered grimly as she watched the two men run out of the room.

"How long has she been gone?" Zell asked. 

"Hours. I didn't count. She missed two classes and forgot to pick up my nephew and niece from the train station." Xu replied as she dropped herself into the chair Selphie had sat in previously. "They had to walk." 

"I'm sure it wasn't too bad for them. Us martial artists have a way of taking every curve life throws at us!" He stood up and began throwing various punches into the air to prove his point. People around him started to back away, lest they get caught in the midst of Zell's wild swinging and get knocked out.

Xu waved a hand, abolishing Zell's self-reassurance of his already inflated ego. She had almost wished that Seifer were here to take the guy down a notch or two, like he had way back when.

The headache grew ever painful when she remembered it was Quistis who was suppose to give the orientation to the new students. Orientation was always a pain and Quistis' disappearance did not do to staunch the flow of stress. If Quistis were not found within the next few hours, they would need to get another instructor to do the job. And Garden simply did not have the time nor money to put another instructor to that sort of training.

_Stop it!_ She scolded herself.

_Your friend is gone and could be lying in a ditch somewhere and all you can think about is the financial tolls it'll take to replace her! Hyne, what kind of friend are you?_ She slapped herself mentally for being such an ass.

Xu fell back into her chair, sighing audibly as she listened to Zell drone on and on, all the while thinking about what could've happened to the young instructor.

They practically grew up together in Balamb. They were roommates, and graduated in the same class before both taking on roles as instructors. Sure, the blonde was a few years younger but that did not prove to be a gap in their relationship. She'd like to think Quistis as a younger sister since the relationship she had with her own blood sister had been somewhat lacking.

She smiled, remembering her and Quistis' relationship before they became SeeDs and moved out of their dorm. They would stay up at night, discussing various things from their studies to the cutest guy in class.

They were fond memories and as she looked back on them, she hoped with all her heart that somewhere out there, Quistis would be okay.

*~*

"Do you have her keys?" Rinoa asked as they stepped into the elevator. Immediately, she slammed her palm against the elevator's keypad, as soon as Selphie stepped in alongside with her, willing the lift to hurry up. 

"Nope." Selphie gave an apologetic shrug as the lift lurched itself into motion. "Cid has all the spare keys, not me." 

"WHAT!?" Rinoa's eyes widened with disbelief.

Selphie winced, stuffing her fingers into her ears, as she heard Rinoa's voice increase what she was sure of ten times normal human capacity. "Geez, Rin! You never asked! Besides, if worse comes to worse, we'll just kick the door in!" 

Rinoa sighed deeply. This whole incident had gotten her on the edge and drove her to do things she wouldn't normally had done. She hated herself for yelling at Selphie. Selphie, who never really got truly angry at anyone. "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that, Selphie. It's just-" 

"Hey, no problem! I'm nervous about Quistis too you, know." Selphie nodded, fully comprehending the feeling of anxiety everyone had weighing on their shoulders. It was suffocating. Usually she would feel optimistic and laugh it off saying that it would turn out okay in the end. But this was Quistis. Quistis who had protected her in battle. Quistis who looked out for her when she felt most alone. Quistis who had comforted her when news came that Trabia was destroyed. Quistis…Quistis…… But in the end Selphie couldn't help but give one last desperate attempt to lighten the atmosphere. 

"Still, why are you so tense? It's not like she's been gone for weeks or anything…" 

"I don't know…it's just…" Rinoa shook her head, frustrated that she couldn't describe what she had felt in Quistis. A chime sounded in elevator, indicating that the lift had brought them to their destination. In unison, both girls stepped out into the hallways of Balamb Garden. "I think something's wrong with her." 

"What?" Selphie's green eyes glittered with concern, staring at Rinoa with inquisitive intensity. 

"She's been so depressed lately. I don't know but…I can't help but worry about her." Rinoa decided that her thoughts could be concentrated to these two sentences without embarrassing anybody. 

Selphie nodded. "She's always had a tendency to become a bit…detatched." 

Rinoa blinked at Selphie, not understanding this bit of news. "What?" 

"I remember Irvine saying…that even as a kid she was a bit of an outcast…wasn't as connected as we were. It wasn't because we didn't let her join in on our stuff or anything. It was like…" Selphie paused to think, trying her best to recall the memories the GF's had taken from her. "Like something was stopping her."

"Stopping her?" Rinoa echoed. Selphie only nodded again. 

At last they came to the dorms, and to Quistis' room. Selphie stepped forward eagerly to try the doorknob, but as Rinoa had predicted, it was locked. She turned to Rinoa to shake her head. Rinoa nudged Selphie out of her way before starting to hammer on the door loudly with her fist. They waited for a few seconds before Rinoa started to pound the door again. Silence. 

"Damn." Rinoa sighed, slumping against the door. 

"I'll go get the keys?" Selphie nodded in the direction of the elevator. Rinoa lifted her bowed head, nodded, and Selphie went off. 

So Rinoa was left alone, standing in Quistis' doorway, fearing the worst. 

_Quistis…where are you? Where did you go?_

She sank to the floor in misery, her thoughts troubled with pictures of the blonde instructor. She couldn't shake from her mind the remembrance of how deep Quistis had sunk into depression from the day before. She feared the worst for Quistis, feared what she could have done to herself. 

_What if she…no. No, she couldn't have….NO!_

Rinoa shut out the voice repeating in her mind, almost monotonously, putting it out with a wall of silence so that it might never echo the terrible thoughts again. But…there was always a hanging shadow of doubt. 

Driven by terror, Rinoa rose to her feet and placed her ear against the door of Quistis' dorm. She knew very well that the walls of these buildings were paper-thin and was hoping for any sign of Quistis. 

Silence. 

It was just silence that came from the room and from the halls. Rinoa pulled back, knowing fully well that she was alone in the dorm wing. She moved back, about to go catch up with Selphie before the brunette returned. But wait. 

Something made her stop. Something held her back. She did not know what it was. And she did not care what it was.

It was that something that made Rinoa turn her head back to the door with fearful eyes. It was that something that drove the pictures of an unconscious blood-soaked Quistis into her mind. 

Pictures of blood dripping to the floor, splattered all across the room, soiling the once white carpet and staining the furniture around her. Images of Quistis' eyes wide open, seeing nothing but the oblivion she was locked in. A mouth open in a scream frozen in agony that long became numb to the body. 

It was what drove Rinoa to throw herself against the door, slamming her fists against the barrier with all her might, tears streaming down a contorted face, a mouth screaming a name hollow to the owner's ears. 

And inside Quistis lay, her lifeless eyes staring up at the ceiling, in a stare locked forever in eternity. And all the while the blood kept dripping.


	5. Chapter Four: The Fragile

**Breathless**

**Tyrael aka LiangFeng**

**Also Kooritenshi**

**Chapter 5: The Fragile**   
  


Fragile  
She doesn't see her beauty  
She tries to get away  
Sometimes  
It's just that nothing seems worth saving  
I can't watch her slip away  
  
I won't let you fall apart  
I won't let you fall apart…

-Nine Inch Nails, "The Fragile"

_ "GOOD HYNE SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR!"_

*~* 

_"Multiple lacerations to the upper forearms and wrists, major blood loss, she's going to need a transfusion!"_

*~* 

_"Rinoa…"_

_"What? How is she? Is she going to be okay?!"_

_"You have to know that blood transfusion might not work…she might not make it through the night."_

*~* 

_"I know this is going to be hard to deal with but…"_

_"No!"_

_"Rinoa…"_

_"NO! She has to be okay! She's just got to be okay! She's just GOT TO!"_

_"Rinoa, you have to deal with that fact that Quistis is going to-" _

_"How can you say that, Squall? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! She's your friend!"_

_"You need to calm down right now."_

_"SHE LOVED YOU!"_

*~* 

"Rinoa? Rinoa!" 

Rinoa was shaken awake by the hand that was jostling her shoulder insistently. She lifted her head wearily and blinked open her eyes to regard Selphie with an expectant look. 

The petite brunette looked down at her with an equally tired expression. "You were having a nightmare." She explained. 

"Oh…thanks." Rinoa gave Selphie a smile that was returned with one of equal emptiness. The usually cheerful brunette turned to walk back to the sofa where she had been sitting with Irvine a moment before. 

There wasn't a moment wasted for Irvine, as he rushed to hug Selphie to his side. Selphie didn't seem to mind as she gave in willingly. Rinoa heaved a sigh before sinking back into her chair. The whole situation was troubling and depressing, to say the least. Everyone sat around the room in various locations, all of them secluded in their own sadness and confusion. All with the exception of Zell and Squall, who were suddenly called to an unexpected meeting. No doubt it had something to do with the recent events. The incident was distressing and very disturbing. It shook the Garden and its staff to its very foundations and core. 

Quistis had attempted suicide. No one would say it. Everyone was afraid to say it. Suicide was shameful. It shocked them to see one of their own committing something so…heinous. Quistis' self-injuries would no doubt be labeled an accident. An accident. But it wasn't an accident! It wasn't on accident that Quistis felt so depressed she felt she had no way out but death. It wasn't an accident that she slit her wrists. The very thought of the deliberate misinterpretation nearly drove Rinoa into tears of anger. But no, her tears were spent on sorrow. 

It didn't help much to any of them when Zell burst into the room, eyes red, and gasping for breath. 

"Where is she?!" He demanded. 

"Zell…" Rinoa started as she rose to her feet. 

"No, dammit! Where's Quistis?!" He yelled again, glancing around to sad faces with vacant eyes. Irvine slipped his hat off to grasp it in his lap as Selphie leaned against Irvine's shoulder for support, her eyes shut tight in a futile attempt to stem the flow of fresh tears. 

"Zell, you're upsetting everyone. Please…" Rinoa tried again to become the peacemaker, seeing the damage the hysterical blonde was causing. But she, too, could not deny how it felt having her soul torn to shreds by seeing a man such as Zell express sorrow so freely. 

"ANSWER ME!" 

There was silence. As if everyone in the room were asking themselves whether it was wise to meet Zell's demands. Rinoa, seeing Irvine and Selphie were too upset to reply, said " She's in the OR. They're trying their best to…" 

She could not continue. For at that moment, her body decided it had had enough as her knees promptly gave out beneath her and she sank to the floor, her hand rising to her mouth to stifle the sobs that escaped from her lips. 

Irvine rose to his feet, seeing the young girl collapse and was willing to lend a hand but was unable to. He had to, instead, grab Zell from running into the OR and do his best to wrestle him to the ground. 

"Let me go!" Zell screamed, tears streaming down his face, his sadness mirroring Irvine's. "I need to find Quisty! I NEED TO FIND HER!" 

"Zell please!" Irvine gasped out, trying in vain to hold the blonde still, barely containing his own tears. "Please…you gotta… …" 

Selphie was forced to leave the chair and rush to Irvine's aid as she too, tried her best to hold Zell down. 

And meanwhile, Rinoa watched on, her mind rushing while her numb body rested paralyzed. They were all suffering, all torn from Quistis' attempt at her own life. It was breaking them down. How could they lose one of their own? How could they lose Quistis? 

Were they not loving enough? Were they not supportive enough? What drove her to turn her weapon upon herself? What was killing her so much inside to make her want to kill herself on outside? Did we miss something? What's wrong with us? What did we do wrong?

_What did we do wrong?_

Rinoa placed a hand on the chair, in which she had been resting in a few minutes earlier, in order to lever herself up onto unstable feet. 

_I saw the darkness within you…I saw what you were about to do._

With uneasy steps, she staggered towards the figures of Selphie, Zell and Irvine, their forms blurred and misshapen in her tear-clouded eyes. 

_I could have stopped it…I could have stopped you from…_

She was vaguely aware that she now stood in front of the struggling trio. She seemed to know this somewhere in the back of her mind but it was her body that held the control. 

Or maybe not. 

Plagued by the thoughts that ravaged her mind, her legs gave out once more, landing her in front of Zell, who still was fighting his friends with every ounce of strength left in his body. It awed her to see such determination, such will to be at Quistis' side and it almost put Rinoa to shame that she was not fighting the same fight. 

Gingerly, so not to allow Zell the mistake that Rinoa would join the gang-up, she brushed away the tears that stained Zell's face. She did not know what happened or how they got there but soon they were in each other's embrace, Zell with his head pressed to Rinoa's shoulder, sobbing out his grief. Rinoa cradled him in her arms, tucking his head beneath her chin, and closed her eyes to the stinging bitterness that threatened to over come her once more, trying to be strong for both of them. 

_Forgive me Quistis…Forgive me…_


	6. Chapter Five: Crash and Burn

Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

With Kooritenshi Chapter Five: Crash and Burn 

When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore… 

Let me be the one you call 

If you jump I'll break your fall 

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night 

If you need to fall apart 

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash

Then crash and burn you're not alone 

-- "Crash and Burn", Savage Garden

It would be days later until Quistis would come to, but until that day, Rinoa remained faithfully at the SeeD's bedside.

The days after that …fateful incident were just as Rinoa had predicted. Quistis' attempted suicide was indeed labeled an accident to mask the young instructor's mental instability and in some ways protected her. Rinoa, though upset, had to agree that it was the right thing to do. Who knows what the students would then after look at Quistis with. Inevitably, a great loss of respect.

The dark-haired girl sat before a folding table that was placed near Quistis' bedside, in a rather stiff-looking chair, poring over her open textbook and scribbling notes in a notepad. She glanced over her equations and paused to scratch her head before rubbing the pencil marks away with her eraser.

Reaching over to the cup of coffee that rested on the corner of the table, she took a generous sip of the dark lukewarm liquid before setting the cup back down and returning to her math book. She gave one last hopeless shrug before shutting it with an audible, but not terribly loud, clap.

She never really did get calculus. In her opinion, it was an evil subject, which ought to be burned and banned and have other such terrible things done to it.

Rinoa couldn't help but feel like something was missing to the picture. She felt like something in the back of her mind was telling her to pick up the phone and dial a familiar number. When figuring out that the voice was really an automatic response to call Quistis for help on a difficult assignment, she could feel another wave of remorse take over again.

She glanced over at the still-sleeping Quistis, and couldn't help but acknowledge the tug at her heart. She heaved a sigh before reaching for her history textbook, which lay on top of a pile of books and papers in the opposite corner of the table from her coffee cup.

Quistis wasn't here right now. She wasn't here to help her with her calculus assignment nor with other things she would go running to the blonde with. It was at that moment she fully felt the impact of not having Quistis around.

Whenever Rinoa had any trouble with anything, she would go directly to Quistis. Not only with schoolwork, but also with personal issues. 

Like when she had trouble with controlling her sorceress powers and the rigorous training Mrs. Kramer was putting her through, and needed someone to listen to her vents of frustration. Or when Squall would fall back into his, now occasional but perfectly characteristic, insensitivity, she could always count on Quistis to lend an ear.

She could remember the times she and Quistis would go to the cafeteria and talk over cups of tea and coffee, depending on how upset Rinoa was. Rinoa would pour her heart out and Quistis would nod and give small smiles of infinite understanding and words of comfort that always seemed to life her spirits.

They were small things Quistis had done for Rinoa, to show that she cared. But to Rinoa, they had meant the world. It was hard to live in a world where she was looked upon with hate and misunderstanding. They called her names, talked behind her back, but she could hear what they spoke. Slut, whore, ditz…She took them all in stride, but couldn't help but feel that it was killing her inside. And the one person who was there to listen, the one person who was willing to help without expecting anything in return was Quistis.

And now Rinoa understood why. Because Quistis was suffering too. She truly understood what she was going through and tried her best to save the sorceress from her pain, even as she was drowning in her own.

"You probably never had any trouble with this stuff." Rinoa said over the rim of her economics book, to the unconscious Quistis, indicating her schoolwork in an attempt to shake the miserable thoughts that hung over her. Unable to, she shut the book and placed it back among the others.

Turning away from the table, she buried her face in her hands, propping up her elbows in her lap. She breathed deeply, doing her very best to clear her mind. It was a burden that was too much to bear, knowing that she could have prevented Quistis from going over the edge. She needed forgiveness.

She swallowed, suppressing the bile that arose from her throat, as she slowly let her hands fall from her face to her lap. She forced herself to look at Quistis, forced herself to take in what she had been trying to block out.

Quistis was dying. Though her battered body remained, Rinoa knew that when she awoke, her soul would be dead. The person Rinoa knew as the strong, beautiful, kind Quistis…would be gone. It would only a matter of time before her body followed her soul into oblivion. And then what would Rinoa be left with? She would be alone…again.

But no! No! She would not let Quistis go without a fight. She would not-she could not! Quistis was more then a friend, she was like an older sister. She couldn't let her go…

"Never." The sorceress muttered low, under her breath, as she watched Quistis sleep, her eyes following the rise and fall of the blonde's chest. Unconsciously, her hand went to the other girls'.

"I'll never let you go." She said again, running her thumb along the back of Quistis' hand. "I'll wait until you come back…wherever you are." She fell silent and the only sound that was present in the room was the steady beeping of the machine that monitored Quistis' vitals.

"Come back to me, Quistis." She lifted the SeeD's slender, but calloused hand to press the knuckles to her lips. "I love you."

Rinoa stood up to lean forward, and gently kissed Quistis on the forehead. She let her free hand linger in blonde strands for just a while, before turning back to her homework. But she found that she could not. She turned back to find her hand, that she had placed in Quistis', held fast.

Something happened within Quistis. Her heart had heard the words it had so longed to hear, causing it to beat erratically fast. The machines that had been hooked up to her, in turn started to beep insanely.

Rinoa glanced worriedly at the monitor screens, ready to yell at the top of her lungs for Dr. Kadowaki when she heard the most beautiful words spoken with the most beautiful voice.

"I love you too…"

She could hardly believe. She didn't dare to believe; for fear of this one moment was nothing more than a dream, for she had many like it before. It was delicate but wondrous. Rinoa feared that with the wrong movement or words, the instant she so longed to experience, would shatter.

Ice blue eyes fluttered open, and the sun started to shine again. The birds were singing once more. And at last, the darkness was gone.

Quistis awoke to behold the wondrous angel that had stay by her side faithfully for days. Something tore at her heart, and she only knew one thing. She loved this girl. She would die for her.

"Rinoa."

One word. That was all it took to send Rinoa over the edge. Fresh tears came anew as her hands went to her mouth, to muffle the sobs that were beginning to rack her worn body. The joy was exhilarating. So much that it almost sent her on a high. She couldn't help but let out a little cry of glee before throwing herself on Quistis and wrapping her arms around the other girls' neck before bursting into tears.

The reality was staggering. Here was this girl who tried so hard to end her life…and she was back. She slit her wrists and bled herself to the very brink of death. In all ways, this was a miracle. Quistis should have died that night along with whatever it was that drove her to kill herself. But now she was back among the living…and her demons.

But Rinoa couldn't handle that right now and Hyne knows that Quistis wouldn't. All she cared about was the woman she was holding in her arms. All she cared about was Quistis.

"You came back…" Rinoa managed a whisper through her tears. "You came back to us."

"I came back to you."

Rinoa pulled back unexpectedly and both girls found themselves screaming inside for each other's presence once more. She gazed into Quistis' blue eyes and saw that for the first time since she had met Quistis, her eyes weren't of ice nor held anything cold. It was warm and full of affection.

"Don't cry…" Quistis murmured as she lifted her hand to wipe away the tears that stained Rinoa's face. "Please don't."

Rinoa berated herself for upsetting Quistis.

_Of course, she's already had enough sadness._

"Sorry, I'm just happy you're back." Rinoa smiled. She was immensely glad when it was returned. She took it as a good sign that maybe things could be better and maybe Quistis could be happier from now on. It was always darkest before dawn, right? "I'm sure everyone else will be too! Just think…Selphie on Prozac. Squall smiling for once. And Hyne knows what Zell will do!"

Rinoa's happiness suddenly turned into shock when confusion flashed across Quistis' face.

"Who?"


	7. Chapter Six: I Feel So

Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

**With Kooritenshi**

Chapter Six: I Feel So 

'Cause  
I feel so mad  
I feel so angry  
I feel so callused  
So lost, confused, again  
I feel so cheap  
So used, unfaithful  
Let's start over  
Let's start over…

-- "I Feel So", Boxcar Racer

****

"Amnesia." Dr. Kadowaki said shaking her head as she finished signing Quistis' release papers before handing them over to Squall. She pointed over to where Squall should sign his signature which he did so with a deft hand. Obviously from the immense practice he had from his office as Commander.

"NO SHIT!" Zell screamed in outrage.

"Super-Mega-BUMMER!" Selphie stomped her foot before crossing her arms across her chest.

Dr. Kadowaki raised an eyebrow at both of them, which silenced them effectively. "You both will do well to remind yourself that this is a hospital." Zell and Selphie were suddenly wary that they both felt like scolded 5-year-olds.

"Will she get her memory back?" Irvine asked carefully, so not to upset anyone.

"Of course she will!" Rinoa said loudly, surprising everyone. She hadn't spoke since she had come running to them during their lunch break to tell them that Quistis had woken up. "SHE HAS TO!" She said with desperation in her voice.

"There is a chance where she may…" The doctor started slowly, nodded her head gravely. "However there is a chance where she may not."

An aura of confusion, disappointment and anger fell over the group of friends. How could this happen? What did Quistis ever do wrong? Why the hell was this all happening to her? Why her?

"All of you will need to take a part in helping her remember the life she lived before." Dr. Kadowaki said wisely.

"You got it!" Zell said eagerly, enthusiastic that there was a chance that Quistis could still remember.

Then Rinoa asked that question that was on everyone's mind. "What if she remembers the thing that made her try to commit suicide in the first place?"

Silence fell over them. On one hand, they could help remember Quistis remember just the good things. But then again, they couldn't just brainwash Quistis! And there was also the fact that what made Quistis try to kill herself in the first place remained a mystery.

Dr. Kadowaki paused, freezing still for just a second…as if contemplating the question before blinking her eyes back into reality and shaking her head firmly to clear her thoughts. "You help her get through it." She said simply as she tapped the stack on papers on the tabletop, arranging them neatly before placing them in a manila folder and handing it to Squall. "I believe these will need to be filed in Quistis' records." She said as she handed Squall Quistis' approved medical release forms.

Squall nodded as he took the folder, aware of the tension that was growing behind where he was sitting, among the group of friends.

"Can we see her?" Zell asked impatiently.

"We can't crowd her all at once…" Squall said as he stared off at the door that led to Quistis' room. "We can't overwhelm her with all these…things she's lost."

"Lost?! We're still here!" Zell said slamming his palm on the table. "She just needs to remember!"

"Well then we come to the issue that Quistis has forgotten everything in her life." The infirmary doctor spoke up, placing her chin on her clasped hands. "She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know where she is. She doesn't know who all you people are. Except Rinoa." She paused for the reality of it to sink upon the young SeeD's. "Now why is that?"

Everyone exchanged glances with each other. Rinoa, however, bowed her head in shame. She hadn't thought of this, she had just figured it was some coincidence, something that just managed to stay in her mind. Was it something she did? Was she the person who made Quistis slash her wrists?

Squall, seeing Rinoa's troubled expression, took her hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. Rinoa's head lifted up to see Squall smiling down at her, giving her his best comforting grin.

Rinoa in turn smiled back, glad that Squall would always be there for her, no matter what kinds of hell were being thrown at them. In the years before, Squall wouldn't really give a damn what happened to Rinoa. But now, she felt like she had pierced the thick armor Squall had encased himself in and reached the gentle soul within the shell Squall had created to protect himself.

It felt good, Squall had to admit. To love someone so freely and openly, and to be loved without having something holding him back. He knew that wall he had erected was a defense mechanism he had made over time but it was good to have it broken down.

"That's what you need to figure out." Dr. Kadowaki said, interrupting both Squall and Rinoa's thoughts.

"Or?" Zell persisted, not really getting the whole picture.

The doctor sighed, shaking her head mournfully before going on to explain.

"Quistis shouldn't have lost her memory. There was no head trauma, only a tremendous loss a blood but even with that, there was still no possibility her amnesia was caused physically."

There were more confused looks exchanged. It seemed the more that they learned, the more troubling the situation looked.

"So what are you telling us?" Squall asked, voicing everyone's question.

"It is my theory," She said slowly, careful to word her thoughts correctly. "That Quistis' amnesia was cause mentally."

"So her brain imploded?" Zell demanded, bluntly, frustrated that he could not understand the situation.

All glares went to Zell.

"Zell!" Selphie shouted at him before smacking him in the knee.

"OW!"

Dr. Kadowaki ignored their childish antics as she continued. "It seems that she's suppressing the memories. Her mind clearly could not take the pressure, so it just…snapped."

"QUISTIS HAS GONE INSANE?!" Zell roared as he shot up from his chair, not believing his ears.

"No!" Rinoa retorted, fed up with Zell's persistent jumping to conclusions, which was clearly disturbing and upsetting everyone. "No she hasn't, Zell, now sit down and shut up!" She screamed, her voice shrill with emotion. For the first time in a long time, she was able to get out all her anger and confusion. She knew it wasn't right to just dump it all on Zell, he was suffering too, but right now she really didn't care.

"YOU shut up!" Zell retaliated. "Am I the only person who cares?!"

The words were like barbs in her heart. How dare he…How DARE HE! Whatever Rinoa had been holding back for the sake of politeness went out the window. She lost it. Her face contorted into a wicked snarl as she started throwing words like knives. "Fuck you, Zell! Just because you haven't learned to keep your fucking emotions on a leash doesn't mean you get the right to say that we're heartless! We care about her just as much as you do!"

"The HELL you do! What do YOU know about Quistis?! We've known her all her life and you just come walking in acting like you're her best friend! Well guess what? You're not! The only reason she puts up with you is because you're the girlfriend of the guy she's loved all her life!"

Rinoa reeled back, feeling the blow of the terrible words. Was it true? Did Quistis really only put up with her because she was Squall's girlfriend? Did Quistis only do it to not hurt the man she loved?

Of course.

"ZELL!" Squall slammed his fist on the table as he too rose to meet Zell's furious gaze with one to match it. "That's enough!"

"What?" Zell gave a hollow laugh. "You've all been ignoring it. You all knew that what Quistis said of Squall being like a brother to her was a load of shit. And you all chose to ignore it. And look where that's landed her!"

As Rinoa, Zell and Squall did nothing but scream and insult each other back and forth. Irvine took this in. True, Quistis' past with Squall was indeed troubling. But something else didn't quite feel right. Plates with Rinoa's name written in food. Quistis' eyes that would glaze over whenever they found Rinoa's. The depression Quistis had dug herself into. They were all pieces of a puzzle that just wouldn't come together with the bigger picture. Maybe it was time to stop looking at the bigger picture and start looking at Quistis.

His eyes rose from where they had been staring at in his lap and found the image of Rinoa that stood in the arms of Squall, being comforted from Zell's slashing words as the two men still went at it.

Could it be?

Selphie, in the meanwhile was as the most confused person in the world. Her eyes darted between Zell and Rinoa, not knowing whom to believe. Zell was screaming things and Rinoa was so angry and sad and looked like she was going to cry…And all she really knew was that Quistis was hurt. And she didn't know why.

"SHUT UP!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, the whole impact and tension finally hitting home. She found everyone's gaze nervous gaze upon her and as she looked back at them, she couldn't believe what they had fallen into.

"What's wrong with you people?!" She demanded, furious with every single one of them. "Quistis is in that room, hurting and in who knows what kind of depression and needing our support and here we are!" She said as she shrugged her shoulders as if it were hopeless. "We're at each other's throats and Quistis doesn't even know who she is or what she was! And we're allowing ourselves the luxury of fighting? You all say you care," As she said, her eyes went to Zell and Rinoa. "But instead of being in THAT ROOM," She pointed to the room Quistis resided in with a jabbing finger, ignoring the river of tears that made their way down her cheeks. "You're all out here. Screaming your lungs out at each other. How much more pain do you think we need?"

No one said a thing as Selphie finished her tirade. They all looked at each other with remorse and guilt. They all knew the brunette was right. How dare they allow themselves emotion when Quistis was feeling sorrow magnified by hundreds. How dare they argue about Quistis and her past when she didn't even remember, herself. How dare they accuse who was her friend and who was not when she had none.

"Hey…" Irvine started, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had befallen them. Everyone turned their heads to him, glad to have something to distract themselves from the dark mood that was hanging over them. "Where's Dr. Kadowaki?"

Indeed the doctor was gone. She had slipped away when the teenagers had lost themselves in their anger and sadness. And now they turned to the shut door of Quistis' room, each knowing exactly where the doctor had went.

**Quistis' POV**

****

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was how cold it was. You might think that after being asleep for God knows how long, I wouldn't want to sleep anymore. But being locked in a room where there was nothing more to do than count the tiles on the ceiling and stare into emptiness, sleep just comes naturally.

I buried myself under the sheets, trying my best to keep warm. After getting myself as comfortable as possible, I tried my best to be able to get back into the black numbness that was slumber. I tried not to think of things, I tried not to think of Rinoa, I tried not to try to remember. I tried not to remember that I was lost.

The blankets slipped off my shoulders as I rose to prop my back against the headboard. My hands rose in front of me, as I found myself staring into open palms. I realized that I didn't know a single inch of my backhand. I dropped them to stare into the mirror that hung on the door, and tried not to be startled when I saw the strange girl stare back.

She sat on the bed, her ice blue eyes clouded in confusion, her lips parted in a lost expression. Her blonde hair was unkept, falling across her shoulders in a stringy mess. This girl was me.

But…even I didn't know who I was. What was my name? Who am I? What am I? Where did I come from? Did I have a family? Do I have friends?

I was startled out of my thoughts when there came thunderous screaming and yelling in the next room, on the other side of the locked door. They were roaring, one voice –a man's- and another voice that was vaguely familiar…

It was a voice use to kindness and soft-spoken words instead of raging taunts. A voice that whispered reassurances rather than angry insults. A voice that had called to her to bring her out of the darkness she had lied in.

Rinoa?

I felt a strange aching in my heart. Like I was…tearing up inside. My hand darted to my chest, as if I was doing my best to keep myself from coming undone. What was this feeling? Why do I feel so heavy and empty inside?

I was overcome with a sudden burning desire to be with Rinoa. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to touch her, I wanted to kiss every inch of her body with my lips. I longed so much for the feel of her skin. How could anything so simple drive me to feel such want?

But I couldn't reach her. The door was locked tight, I had checked before. What were they trying to prove? That they held power over me? No…

Only Rinoa has that.

It was so strange that I could forget everything. That I have nothing. Not even memories to hold onto so that I might not go mad. I have nothing…yet, I have Rinoa…

Rinoa's favorite color is blue. Her dog's name is Angelo. She likes white roses, not red. Her favorite band is The Donnas.

I knew all these things…but I didn't know my own name.

It took me a while before I noticed that the door was opening. Light streamed into the dark room, flooding my vision with brilliant colors. Instinctively, I raised a hand to my face to keep the stinging rays from my eyes.

Then the door closed again.

"Quistis?"


	8. Chapter Seven: Drive Away

Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

**With Kooritenshi**

Chapter Seven: Drive Away 

I wish I could drive away to the sunset

Back to the first day that we first met

Only believe the things I wrote

I'll put into a note, yeah

Cross my t's and dot my i's

Better say hello, don't you dare say goodbye

I'll write sincerely yours and sign my name

P. S. I love you forever and today…

--"Drive Away", The All-American Rejects

"What am I?" Were the first words that came out of Quistis' mouth. Dr. Kadowaki could not say that she had not expected a question such as this, just maybe not so blunt. But when she took a close look at the broken girl who was once a strong woman…all she could see was a life totally obliterated by the mind's ability to survive by going to the extremes.

All she saw in the pools of ice blue were emptiness…a vast desolate desert in the human mind. It hurt her, to see the accomplished, dedicated woman she knew as Quistis Trepe gone. Replaced by a person so broken…she knew not what purpose she had in this world.

Or…was Quistis not gone at all? Rather had the shell, the mask Quistis had put on, fall away? And was this the true Quistis that had been inside?

But how could it be? It was so hard to take in.

She remembered the person she knew. The smiling girl who took the time to visit the doctor, let her share in one of those Triple Triad games she was so good at, the girl who laughed with her, the girl who had taken time off after her med classes to help clean up the infirmary. But as Dr. Kadowaki looked closer and closer into the situation…she realized the thing that she knew she should've realized all along. Quistis was lonely.

"You are like me." She heard herself saying. "Flesh and blood. Put in this world to suffer to who knows what end by who knows what. I think the question you're looking for is "WHO are you", is it not?"

The girl that was Quistis couldn't only stare back, as if not fully comprehending the question. But Dr. Kadowaki carried on, not acknowledging Quistis' quiet gaze, but was fully aware of the eyes that were rested on her.

"You're Quistis Trepe. You were born on October 4th. You're 20 years old, a resident senior SeeD, and instructor of Balamb Garden." She chose not to tell the blonde that she was a savior of the world, along with her friends, whom she also did not want to yet mention. It was better to take this one at a time. Too much information could confuse the girl.

Once again, there was silence. It seemed like Quistis was contemplating this, because there was a sudden cloudiness to her eyes. Then all of a sudden, the sharp focus came back, once more the clear emptiness stood out.

"Who was I?" The "was" stood out. As first, this puzzled the doctor. But it was even more frustrating when she slowly understood what she was being asked and then realized that she didn't have the answer.

Xu's POV 

****

It was late evening when I got the message from Dr. Kadowaki. Or early morning. Your pick.

The phone call didn't really disturb me. It wasn't unusual for me to work the late night hours right until dawn. The upcoming SeeD exam was really killing us these few months and it just so happens that I was the only one who was willing to work an extra hour, just so our SeeD candidates could have an ounce better of a chance of staying alive. Bastards.

I sat there for a while, the phone still in my hand after I hung up on Kadowaki. So…our beloved Quistis Trepe was awake.

I slammed the phone back down into its cradle with unsurpassed anger. Don't get me wrong; Quistis is my best friend in the entire world. I was ecstatic that she was awake. But AMNESIA?

I could feel my fists clench. Life indeed was unfair…but why Quistis? Why her when she's been through so much? Why her when she's suffered more than any of us. I don't buy that crap that Squall had it worse than out of all of them. In the end, he has Rinoa. But for Quistis…she has herself.

I wonder what it's like. To walk through life knowing that you're only going to have yourself. That you're going to be by yourself. To know that you have no one.

My parents died when I was 5. And at seven, I went to a local orphanage with my sister, after being shuffled from one foster family to another. We learned to take care of ourselves. It was unbearable lonely without our parents, the emptiness we had in our hearts…having no one to look after us. We learned to look after each other and as we grew up, our bond as sisters grew stronger.

But we grew up. I went to the Garden, to make a purpose to my life. And my sister went to the temples of the Trabian Mountains to find the meaning of life. We parted ways, knowing that our destinies were different. But we would always be together, in our hearts.

But now it seems that I too, have lost something dear to me. My niece and nephew came to me just yesterday from Gau Shan Temple, to live a life of their own in Garden. So I am not completely alone now.

But Quistis? She didn't even have a family. Not even memories to hold onto.

"Auntie Xu? Why are you still up?"

I turned in my chair to see a small girl standing bleary-eyed, yawning with a wide open mouth, still in her silk pajamas, obviously still half-asleep.

"Xiao-Feng, you shouldn't be up." I said to my little niece. "You need to get back to sleep." I rose from my chair to meet her at the adjoining hallway. "You have class tomorrow."

"You too." She yawned again.

Well she's got you there, Xu!

I grinned. "Yeah well…I get sick days." I see a pout appear on her delicate face, which clashes with her still sleepy-eyes. I couldn't help but let out a chuckle, though careful not to wake the other occupant of my apartment.

"Is that any example you should be setting for me?"

"No, but I know you'll forgive me."

"So you think."

I stuck my tongue out at her, which was playfully returned.

"Back to bed, you silly girl."

"Okay, okay." She mumbled unhappily, before trudging off to her room. "Don't stay up too late, it's bad for you."

I rolled my eyes. Great, now I have a twelve-year-old badgering me like my mother. Not to say that I didn't find it amusing. It was almost relieving to see even the slightest hint of innocence in this world. 

My face turned grim as I reminded myself of the task at hand. I blew a sigh from my lips, before running a hand through my hair, doing my best to make myself presentable. Looking into the mirror that was hung on the wall, beside the door, I fixed my collar, and brushed the minimal dust there was from myself. It was on old habit obtained from my years in training for SeeD, or rather one that Quistis rubbed off onto me back when we were roommates. I could remember her to be a serious neat freak. But she always meant well.

I supposed that's why I was so comfortable with Feng nagging me all the time. Because Quistis used to do the same thing before they graduated into SeeD's. Quistis was a good three years younger than me, but our friendship never seemed to notice the fact. We were equals, in every way.

Grabbing my keys that laid on the table, under the mirror, I paused to give myself one last look-over before opening the door, and disappearing into the dark halls. 

Infirmary 

"You all might as well go home." Dr. Kadowaki said as she sat down in her desk, before flipping through some papers, penning some and stacking them in a neat pile. "It's getting late."

"No way." Selphie shook her head, replying, as she crossed her arms stubbornly. "I'm stickin'!"

A chorus of agreement went around the room, as the doctor just shook her head and sighed hopelessly.

"You guys want to fall asleep teaching your classes tomorrow, that's fine with me!" She said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.

Everyone exchanged glances, before falling back into their seats, ready to occupy themselves with anything that could take their minds off the current situation or ease the tension in the room.

Zell glanced over Irvine, who had his chair propped up against the wall, his hat brim resting over his shadowed eyes, giving the appearance of him dozing. Zell sighed, envious that Irvine could sleep so well without being disturbed. "At least one of us is resting." He grumbled while poking Irvine in the ribs.

But before he could jab the cowboy any further, a gloved hand shot out and snatched Zell's into a fierce grip, which rendered the boy's limb motionless.

The brim of Irvine hat lifted and Zell could see green eyes glitter from the shadows. "Don't touch me." Irvine muttered darkly before releasing the blonde boy.

"Ooow…" Zell winced, shaking the blood flow back into his fingers. "Geez, dude! Y' coulda said nicely or something!"

Selphie peered over. "'Better do as he says, hun. Irvy's grumpy without his naptime, doncha know?" She winked, as Zell gave a hearty laugh.

"When's Xu going to be here?" Irvine interrupted, looking up from his lap. Everyone else had been asking themselves the very same thing.

Rinoa sank down as far as she could go in her chair, willing herself to disappear. It wasn't that she didn't like Xu or anything… It was just… Why did they need Xu's help? Wasn't there something SHE could do? What was so special about Xu?

She couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. Every since from the beginning…it was as if what Quistis and Xu had was…untouchable. They had this bond that no one else could understand. Xu had something with Quistis that Rinoa wanted so badly.

But with a heavy heart, Rinoa killed off that jealousy in an instant, berating herself incessantly. This wasn't the time to think over some trivial rivalry. This was about Quistis, and if Xu was the one who could help her get better, then so be it.

As if on cue, the automatic doors that connected the waiting room to the outside hallways slid open with a hiss and a tall young black-haired woman stepped in.

Xu's dark brown eyes flickered over the SeeDs before coming to the doctor's. "Where is she?" She demanded. No greeting, no hello, just urgency to see her beloved Quistis. It bordered on the edge of being rude, had the situation not been in so much need of attendance.

"This way." Dr. Kadowaki stood up from her table, beckoning the woman to follow. Xu nodded, before complying. She walked past the group of friends, never giving any of them a single glance. But Irvine, Zell, Selphie, Rinoa, and Squall all kept their eyes on Xu, as she and Dr. Kadowaki disappeared into Quistis' room.

They all sat, each staring at the door, wondering what was going on behind it. Before each of them slowly one by one, got up and walked out of the infirmary. All except Rinoa.

"Rinoa?" Squall asked softly, putting a hand on Rinoa's shoulder. "Are you okay, baby?" His eyes showed only concern for his girlfriend.

Rinoa's eyes were glazed over, her look distant as if she was long gone. But then a tear fell from her eye, making its way down her cheek to drip onto the floor in small spots of splattered water.

"Rinoa?" Squall asked more insistently, his voice full of worry. "You won't be abandoning her. Xu's got it from here." He said, forging his words carefully.

Rinoa couldn't feel Squall's hand squeezing her shoulder comfortingly. She couldn't hear the voice that called to her from the world she had shut herself away from.

Her eyes only saw the face of a sad broken blonde woman with blue eyes that pierced into her mind. A face that haunted her as much as hers haunted the blonde woman.

And for a small instant, Rinoa understood. To be surrounded by your friends and still be completely alone, to be screaming your lungs out and have no one notice you. To be Quistis Trepe.


	9. Chapter Eight: Too Far Gone

Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

**With Kooritenshi**

**Chapter Eight: Too Far Gone**

****

Please speak slowly

My heart is learning

Teach me heartache

Stop this burning now

--"Too Far Gone", The All-American Rejects

"Will you be taking her home after…"

Xu glanced over at the doctor, shifting her eyes instead of allowing her the benefit of a full head-turn. It was so fake…

The irony of it all nearly caused Xu to burst out into laughter. Though Quistis was close to Dr. Kadowaki, she knew of how detached the doctor was. It was the same detachment the teachers had with their students. Never get too close. Close enough to call each other acquaintances but never enough to be called friends.

Sure, the distance could be excused with a simple practical statement. Such as that Dr. Kadowaki had seen too many budding youths, too many of her own students, end their lives on the battlefield. She had soon too many young lives cut short of their prime that she had failed herself to establish any meaningful relationship with her students, lest she face the pain of loss again.

But Quistis had known it was something else. She knew it was something more. She was the youngest instructor in all of Garden's history. She saw the sides from both perspectives, the students and the staff members. She gazed in from the outside and looked out from the inside.

And one day, the young instructor had shared a little piece of discovered knowledge with Xu.

"Teachers and students aren't separated because it's unprofessional to have close kinds of bonds or relationships. It's not that we cannot stand the pain. It's because we simply cannot understand each other. One generation is brought up with certain beliefs, the other a different set. We're too stubborn-too blind to see past our walls in which we have made our world in. So we're willing to be alone. We're willing to face our own problems our own way, regardless of the consequences. But is that sort of freedom worth the consequences?"

And at that moment Xu realized that Quistis wasn't the young, naïve instructor many had thought so about her. She was an instructor at 17. The teaching staff shunned her because she was still a child. The students refused to associate with her because she was a teacher.

And in her loneliness, Quistis did not wither and break. Quistis had become stronger than anyone had ever given her credit for. She had become more insightful and wise than anyone three times her years. She thrived on isolation, she lived on pain. And in the end, she always came out stronger-the winner.

But now…Xu didn't know what to believe. Was Quistis weaker than she had previously thought? Or was there some great force that did eventually break the unsinkable spirit of Quistis Trepe?

Only time…and patience would tell.

"Yes." Xu found herself replying. "I'm thinking I can take her to my apartment tonight. It's late, we can't burden her by placing her into her own room. Too much complications…"

"Yes, I think that's best." Dr. Kadowaki nodded, before waving her hand at Quistis door. "Shall we proceed?"

Xu could only nod as she braced herself for the grim task ahead. And as the doctor started to open the door, Xu could almost feel the blood in her body just simply disappear. She had to lock her knees to keep herself from toppling over as she suppressed the lurching in her stomach. She could taste the bile that rose to her throat. Xu could not deny that she hadn't felt this sensation before. Although the last time she did, she was 10 and in her Magickal Studies class and was about to experience what is was like to be on the receiving end of a very powerful Thundara spell.

****

"Quistis?" Dr. Kadowaki peered into the dark room, as she closed the door behind Xu. She grew puzzled. The room hadn't been this dark when she had come in a few minutes earlier. Who turned off the lights? Her hand went to the wall beside her.

"Can you leave that off?" A voice from the bed asked and Dr. Kaowaki's hand immediately withdrew from the switch, as if stung.

"What are you doing in the dark, Quistis?" She asked.

There was no reply. But through the darkness, Xu could see the outline of a figure sitting on the bed with her head bowed, moving her shoulders in what was a guilty shrug. Xu took this opportunity to turn back to the doctor and give her a small nod. "I got it from here." Implying that she was ready.

The doctor nodded back and opened the door to leave.

As the door closed, Xu turned back to Quistis. "Quistis?"

At the sound of her name, the girl's head darted up, and with the moon shining through the window, Xu could make out the brilliant blue eyes upon her.

"I'm Xu." She approached her cautiously, so not to startle her. Then almost fearfully, as if terrified of the answer, she asked quietly. "Do you remember me?"

She could see the sadness that welled up in sapphire eyes before Quistis closed them against the flowing tears, and shook her head. "I don't remember anything."  She said in a choked sob.

This visibly horrified Xu. She had never in her entire life saw Quistis Trepe cry. Even when Quistis had broken every bone in her left-arm, in a freak training accident, that left her with three displace bone pieces, all of which were sticking out of her skin in wicked splinters, she hadn't shed a single tear or screamed a cry of agony. Xu remembered that day as if it were yesterday. All the blonde had done was blame herself for not being careful enough to avoid the T-Rexaur's swinging tail. Her emotions had always been hidden away in a place Xu couldn't reach. Purposely locked away so that no one would be able to touch it. It was called professionalism. She had known that becoming an instructor would rob Quistis of the last years of her childhood, but until now, she hadn't really known that it had stolen her ability to express her feelings.

"Quistis?" Xu's voice was filled with genuine concern. "Quistis… don't cry." She tried her best to reassure the girl, as she took her into her arms, wishing with all her heart that she could carry some of Quistis' sadness. To relieve Quistis of her burden.

But she could only stand on the outside and look into the window at the girl who cried out at the world, and begged for mercy.

She hugged Quistis to her, running her fingers through the blonde silken strands of hair, whispering comforting words into her ear. Soon enough, tears of her own started to streak down her face, mingling with Quistis'.

"W-What's going to happen to me?"

'I don't know' Was the first thing that came into Xu's head. Because she really didn't know what made Quistis try to kill herself. She couldn't imagine the things that haunted Quistis to make her subconscious suppress her memories. She could only think of how long and hard the road to normalcy Quistis had to walk. And would Quistis come out of this broken? Or with her head held high?

"Wherever you go…we'll be here with you. Every step of the way." Because that was the truth, though it was only half of it.

"I feel lost." Quistis whispered softly, not really saying to Xu than saying it to herself.

"What do you remember?"  Xu asked, in an effort to try to ease Quistis. It was better to take things one at a time, and then look at the bigger picture, a tactic Xu had picked up on the field.

"Rinoa."

Any presumptions Xu had made before, any hypothesizes of Quistis condition or state of mind…it all shattered as Rinoa's name fell from Quistis' lips.

Rinoa? Why Rinoa?

"What do you remember about Rinoa?"

"Everything."

Xu blinked, a small pause as she tried to take in this bit of information. She sighed deeply, helping Quistis to ease herself into a more comfortable position she contemplated on what to say.

Quistis didn't know why, but she felt Xu's presence a bit of a comfort for her. She felt as if she could share anything with her, she figured it was a sort of charisma the older woman exuded. But as she laid her head down on Xu's lap and looked up to stare into warm brown eyes, she knew it was much something much more.

"Everything?" Xu echoed.

"Yes." Quistis replied, nodding. "Strange isn't it?" She said, laughing a hollow laugh.

"It _is_ odd." Xu agreed, letting her fingers play idly with a lock of Quistis' hair, as she left her mind free to wander. _Could it be?_

 Quistis then started to take a closer look at the fellow SeeD. She took note of the far-away look Xu's eyes held.

"This might sound a bit rude but…" She started, taking a moment to form the question properly before blurting it out. "What was our relationship?"

Xu was caught off guard. Her eyes snapped back into reality, losing the previous haziness they held before. But it didn't take long for a smile to make its way upon her lips, and an almost girlish giggle elicited from her throat.

"You were my best friend in the entire world!" She said without hesitation. "And in turn, I was yours."

Quistis could detect a tinge of pride in her voice as she spoke and soon she was returning the smile Xu was giving her.

"We were roommates and graduated together at the top of our class. Of course you beat me by a .22 on our GPA…" She took the opportunity to ruffle Quistis' hair a bit, causing the blonde to laugh. "You were always the brains." She sighed dramatically.

Quistis stopped her laughing, taking a small moment to grab at Xu's hand, intertwining her fingers with her own. The change of mood was evident. The playfulness was gone in an instant, and in its place was a kind of seriousness mixed with longing. Longing for something more…longing to remember herself and her past.

Pressing their hands together, palm to palm, she spoke quietly. "We were close…"

Xu watched as Quistis studied her hand, never feeling the single tear of happiness fall down her face. "Very." Her voice carried a certain measure of strength. "You were there for me. And I was there for you."

"Like you are right now." Quistis replied with a hint of a smile.

It was astonishing. This was the Quistis who knew no boundaries, who knew no walls. Who did not think that she had to hide herself from the world. She left herself open to the elements. She was free. Quistis was free. But was it worth it? Was Freedom worth all this pain?

Quistis paused as she let out a wide yawn, causing Xu to giggle. It was evident that both of them were weary from the day's events. They would face the world in all its hell in the morning. But for now…

"Go to sleep." Xu whispered with gentle urgency. What the hell was she thinking? It would take days until Quistis could recover her strength. Until then, she needed every ounce of rest she could get.

She kissed the blonde softly on the forehead. "We'll talk more in the morning."

Quistis nodded, drawing strength from Xu's gesture of affection. She didn't understand this easy connection they both had, she didn't know why she had let Xu become so close to her in such short time…but it felt so natural. It felt so comforting have Xu so close to her, to feel her presence right beside her. It was as if she had done this so many times before.

Soon Xu found herself humming a soft lullaby, in a hope to chase away any unwanted dreams from her friend's sleep. At first she felt silly. But this was Quistis. Quistis who understood her, listened to her and was there for her in her times of need. Quistis, who crammed and pulled all-nighters with her when they were in junior class. Quistis, who fought side-by-side with her in their SeeD exam. Quistis, who brought her coffee when she was up late grading papers. Quistis, who was her friend.

So she sang that lullaby, until Quistis fell asleep. And when she did, Xu took her into her arms and soon, they were back at her apartment.

As she laid Quistis gently onto her bed, and spread the covers over the sleeping girl, she couldn't help but stay awhile to gaze upon the angel's face. Maybe in a way, this memory loss for Quistis wasn't a curse, but a gift; a chance to start over, to live without feeling numb, to live with love. And it went without saying that Xu loved Quistis. But it was only until now did Xu realize that she would do anything for her.

TBC

_Author's Notes: What I tried to convey in this chapter was the impact of Quistis' presence in Xu's life, and vice-versa, and also a deep kind of friendship between them. Also, the fine line between deep friendship (Xu) and intimate love (Rinoa). I wanted to show that Xu and Quistis were the kind of friends that could sleep in the same bed and not have the need to kiss or touch. So in other words: Rinoa doesn't have competition._


	10. Chapter Nine: Duvet

Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

**Also Kooritenshi**

Chapter Nine: Duvet 

I am falling

I am fading

I am drowning

Help me to breathe

I am hurting, I have lost it all

I am losing

Help me to breathe

-- "Duvet", BOA

****

"What do you see?"

Quistis looked up to meet warm brown eyes that reflected only warmth in their gaze. She found herself melting into them as Rinoa's eyes held her for an instant, before freeing her to the winds once more.

With a sigh, the blonde looked up into the night. Bright twinkling specks of light dotted the mass plain of the sky. Each was brighter than the next, Quistis paused, entranced by their simple beauty. Something so…plain that could be so captivating.

"In the day," Rinoa began, turning Quistis' attention to her. "They are invisible to us." She waved a hand to the sky, as she too took a moment to admire the brilliance of the light the stars beheld. "When the sun, our Earth's source of light, is shining high…we cannot even catch a glimpse."

"But." At this, Rinoa stepped forward, so close to Quistis that they were mere centimeters away from each other. Quistis' breath caught in her throat, she dare not breathe at all. For she feared that if she blew even a single sigh, this moment would be carried away forever. "At night, in our darkest hour…" Rinoa's hands went up to gently cup Quistis' face. Her fingers traced patterns in Quistis' cheek, tickling the soft skin. Brushing away the blonde strands of hair that had strayed from Quistis' hair clip, she allowed herself an unobstructed view of Quistis' soul. "We see them for how they truly are…"

Never before, in her entire life, had Quistis ever felt to naked. So open. So free. So defenseless to what the other girl had in store. She was more than terrified. Rinoa knew what she wanted, she knew what she needed, she knew what Quistis desired.

Quistis tried to ease away, pull back from Rinoa's touch, but found that Rinoa's arms wrapped so lovingly around her neck also held her fast.

She sorceress smiled, and Quistis was relived to find that it was genuine.

"I know you love me." The younger girl said almost teasingly, as she traced the curve of Quistis' full lips with her fingers.

"You're a dream." Quistis said automatically.

"Am I?" Rinoa giggled. Indeed, only a figment of Quistis' lusts and heartaches. But this phantom was so very tangible.

Rinoa leaned forward and gave Quistis what she so desperately needed. Quistis closed her eyes to welcome the bliss. Lips so sweet, so soft…

She was barely conscious as her hands rose to the back of Rinoa's head, to draw her in further. She drank from the kiss like a starved man to water. She gave herself up to the tides of passion, surrendering herself to the elements. And for a second, she forgot the feelings of restraint she was burdened with, she forgot why she held herself back, she forgot why she never allowed herself to fall into love…she forgot…forgot……forgot…

Quistis eyes snapped open as if awakening from a nightmare. With a strangled sob, she shoved Rinoa from her, pushing the woman back as she tried to put as much distance between her and the sorceress.

Rinoa fell to the ground with cry of surprise, overbalanced by the sudden exertion of force. She gazed up into Quistis' blue eyes with confusion, and Quistis couldn't help but notice, also with hurt.

"I…I can't forget." Quistis offered lamely, as if this could help Rinoa understand.

"Forget what?"

Quistis could hear the question coming from miles away. She replied automatically, like she had done so many times before. Empty questions answered with empty replies. "Why I can never love you."

"But you do already." Rinoa said. Her words almost caused the blonde woman to flinch, as if being punched in the stomach.

"I know. I guess…I just needed someone to say it outloud."

Rinoa sighed, as if she was frustrated. But the feeling was thrown off by her playful smile. She waved off Quistis' questioning gaze and held out a hand, allowing Quistis to help her to her feet.

"You dwell too much in your thoughts. And being afraid of consequences, you're afraid of taking risks." Rinoa said as she brushed herself off. "You're bit like Squall."

Quistis didn't know whether to take this as an insult of a complement, considering that this was coming from Rinoa. Rinoa, who was so in love with Squall. But had to kill every single on of the man's doubts and fears to get to him.

"But at the same time, you're so very different from him. Instead of locking yourself, and shutting the world away, you do that exact opposite. You expose yourself to pain willingly, you throw yourself into the chaos and you surrender yourself to the world's mercy. You want yourself to live. You want yourself to feel happiness, sorrow, anger, loss, joy, confusion… Only so that you lose yourself. So you're preoccupied. So you don't have to sit in a dark room, by yourself, and think about what's missing. You don't want to be reminded of what you're missing. What you don't have."

Quistis swallowed the realization of Rinoa's words like it was water. Nothing more. But she could not ignore the eyes that bore into her soul. Eyes that stared at her with intense sadness, and Quistis was startled to find pity.

Pity? Do you feel sorry for me? Is that what I am given? Pity? When I try to be so strong? Is this what I get after picking myself off the floor so many times? After I survived so much, after I fought so hard, after I lost everything? Is that how people look to me with? Is that how you see me?

Quistis felt like collapsing. Her knees threatened to give out beneath her, only by locking them did she stay on her feet.

Rinoa was not ignorant to Quistis' thoughts. She stepped forward to touch Quistis' cheek tenderly, feeling the warm softness under her fingertips.

"No, I do not pity you. But yes, there are those that do." She paused to exhale a breath of mournfulness. "You are very strong. Stronger, even so than Squall, who unlike you, _did_ shut himself up. Too weak to feel the caresses and ravages of living. Too weak to deal with life. He is strong, though not even close to what you have."

"But be wary. For your road is a long and dangerous one. You will need all the strength you possess. And if you do forget…look inside yourself rather than _at_ yourself." 

"But if you lose even that-"

"I'll look to you."

Rinoa allowed herself a genuine smile this time. "Even if I don't love you?"

"That reality hit me long ago. Those words don't hurt anymore."

Rinoa giggled. "I said **if**."

It was late morning when Quistis awoke, she found only the yellow orb of the sun greeting her through the window. The light casting shadows of the window blinds onto the carpet floor.

She tried to remember the dream she had the night before but found that the memory eluded her. Throwing the thought away, she excused it, thinking that it wasn't that important anyways.

She groped the side of the bed, half-expecting Xu to be there. But she was not surprised when she found herself alone in the room. She fell back against the pillow, allowing herself the luxury of taking in her surroundings.

The room was strikingly different from the bleak harsh tones the hospital room held. The bed was considerably softer, the furnishings more elegant. Quistis could make out the various oriental calligraphy paintings that decorated the walls. A desk sat in the corner, facing a wide window that spanned a wide courtyard. Save for the nightstand and the chair at the table, those were the only things in the room. They were sparse but charming.

It hit her that this must be Xu's room and she was in Xu's apartment. But the young woman was nowhere is sight. Quistis wondered idly where the SeeD could have possibly gone.

Her thoughts did not stray any further for at that moment, the door creaked open and in came a small girl bearing a small tray that held a cup and a teapot. Xiao-Feng was visibly surprised to see Quistis.

"Oh, you're awake!" The child exclaimed. She did not pause for Quistis to give her an answer before placing the tray carefully on the desk and bounding over to greet the stranger, eager to make a new friend. She stuck her hand out, introducing herself with the brightest smile on her face. "Xu Huo Feng. Aunty calls me Xiao-Feng. But you can just call me Jenny. Or Jen if you like!"

The blonde took the opportunity to size the child up. She was fairly young, about eleven or twelve years old. Shoulder-length black hair was pulled back into twin ponytails at the base of her neck. She wore drawstring cargo khasis with a hooded short sleeve T-shirt that said "Friends Don't Let Friends Be Cheerleaders". Her boots clomped as she moved about and Quistis couldn't help but notice that every so often, the girl would fiddle with the leather bracelet she wore on her left hand.

Quistis took the girl's hand in hers and winced as her hand was trapped in a grip that was too freakishly strong for a twelve-year-old, and pumped enthusiastically up and down. She paused and frowned, as she didn't know how to return that introduction with one of her own. But the girl didn't seem to mind as she ran back over to the door, stuck her head out into the hallways and screeched with a voice so high it almost made Quistis want to cut off her ears. "AUNTY XU! INSTRUCTOR TREPE IS AWAKE!" Then as if she hadn't blown every eardrum in a five-mile radius, she walked back over to the table and started to pour a cup of tea.

'Instructor Trepe? Is that me?' No doubt, this question confused the poor girl to no end. But she pushed it back into the far corners of her mind, reassuring herself that she would find out soon enough.

"It's ginseng tea!" Jen explained as she set the teapot back down and walked back over to the bed, where Quistis was and handed the cup of warm liquid to her. "It's good for you! Especially since you're still recovering."

"Oh. Thank you." Quistis took the cup from the girl's hands, taking a small sip after carefully inspecting the tea's contents.

It wasn't long before Xu stumbled into the room, still fixing her uniform hastily as she glanced around, trying her best to comprehend the situation. But as she noticed Quistis, her expression grew into a smile. "Morning, Quistis! I hope you're enjoying that tea. It should be good…"

"It is, thank you." Quistis smiled back, nodding her thanks.

"No more caffeine for you, Jen." Xu turned to her niece, reprimanding her lightly. "I swear, that is the first and last time I am EVER giving you coffee. What possessed me in the first place to allow you to drink it, I have no clue."

Jen blushed with embarrassment before nodding.

"And where is that brother of yours? I hope he didn't forget that you both have assessment tests today. If he doesn't hurry, you'll be late!" Xu exclaimed, rolling her eyes. Instructor Smith would have Jen's head if she were late. She knew the woman personally and hoped to Hyne that neither of them would cross her. "Well hurry up!"

Jen snapped herself into action as she dashed out of the room in search of her brother.

Xu shook her head dramatically. "I swear, she's like Selphie on crack." She muttered to herself before turning to Quistis. "Hey, Sunshine!" She greeted playfully as she threw herself on the bed, next to Quistis. "Ready to get up?" At Quistis' agreement, her smile broadened widely. "Great! Finish your tea, and I'll go get your clothes." Xu said as she rose from the bed.

Quistis noticed at that moment that she was still in the hospital gown she had been wearing the night before. And she also noticed the bandage on her wrists. She hadn't noticed before because it caused her almost no discomfort. But she wasn't stupid. Waking up in a hospital, the bandages on her wrists, the reluctance the doctor has shown when she asked who she was and if she had any friends…

Setting the cup of tea aside, onto the nightstand, Quistis raised her hand to touch the gauze wrappings on her left wrist. Did she do this?

As her fingers tried to pry the bandages open, she was overcome with memories of a different kind. A torrent of waves of images swept over her confused mind. Cold steel digging into her skin. Blood sliding down her arm, splashing to the floor. A girl gently cradling her body as she wept, tears splashing on her own blood-stained face, her voice calling to her desperately. Fading away into darkness…

A hand reached out and snatched Quistis' in a firm tight grip. Startled blue eyes looked up to gaze in a deep brown's.

"Do you remember?"

Quistis found that her voice had failed her. She tried to make a sound. Any sound. To cry out in fear. To scream in anger. Anything to break the silence she had trapped her soul in.

Xu looked down at the blonde girl, who was still staring intently at her hand, in disbelief. She was sure Quistis had figured out how she ended up in the hospital, the girl wasn't dense for Hyne's sake!

She stood awkwardly, holding the bundle of clothes she had retrieved from her own closet to let Quistis borrow. Regretfully, she could do nothing to reassure or even ease the woman's worries. Nothing but offer words. Mere words. But words were like raindrops falling upon the sea. So small, so insignificant, they meant nothing. But still…they were something.

"I…I know you have questions." Xu began, setting the bundle of garments aside before turning back to Quistis. "I know there are things you want to know. And to be honest, I don't have all of the answers. I can't give you what you need. There are questions you have to answer yourself." Quistis' head tilted up to meet her gaze, and Xu found it hard to return it. She found it hard to look straight into Quistis' eyes and tell her that she might be walking the path blindly, that she herself, didn't know where Quistis would end up.

But Quistis took all this in and understood the terms and accepted them readily. It was nothing but a mere obstruction in the road to normalcy. Obstructions could be easily side-stepped, or dug through. At the nod of Quistis' head, Xu managed to offer a small smile before taking the younger woman into her arms.

"If you don't remember anything else. Please remember this…" Xu whispered, almost pleading with Quistis. "Remember that you're always loved. Remember that you're not alone. Remember that we're standing right here beside you."

Quistis pulled back from Xu's embrace to gaze questioningly at the SeeD. "We?"

Xu offered another smile before squeezing the blonde's hand gently. "You'll see."

TBC

I think my fanfic is getting choppy. What do you think? O_O


	11. Chapter Ten: Breathe

Breathless

By LiangFeng aka Tyrael

Chapter Ten: Breathe 

Disclaimer: I DIDN'T DO IT YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING…oh wait you mean THAT disclaimer…

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying you we feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

And I give you just a little time

I, wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes…

                             -- "Breathe", Michelle Branch

As Xu prepared Quistis for the trials of the day and what would be, they hoped, a road to a brighter future, and as Xu prayed to every deity in the world that everything would be okay for her younger friend, and as Quistis just hoped and scoured her torn mind in vain for a sliver of a memory, in the opposite dormitory wing…

The calm morning serenity in the commander's apartment was broken by the shrill shriek of the alarm clock going off and jarring the occupants of the nearby bed awake…or at least one of them.

A bare arm snaked out from the confines of the warm comforter to grab for the alarm clock and hit the snooze button. Its attempts were in vain as it grasped thin air, for the clock was not sitting on the nightstand, but on the wardrobe a few feet away.

Rinoa growled in frustration as she peeked her head out from the covers. She glanced over at her sleeping partner, wondering how can anyone sleep through such an ear-piercing wail. But then again, they _were_ up all night.

Rinoa reluctantly lifted her body from the bed and shivered as the cold air hit her naked body. Whatever happened to waking up with the sun? She yawned sleepily as she stretched her lithe body, wincing as she heard a few bones pop back into place.

"Oh man, it's too early to get up…"

There was a gruff bark and Rinoa just had the energy to pry one eye open to see Angelo sitting before the bed with a soft bath robe clutched gingerly in his jaws, wagging his tail furiously.

"Oh…" Rinoa cooed. "How sweet!" She smiled as she took the robe from the animal, giving him as rub on the head as soon as she had clothed herself. She kissed Angelo on the nose and hugged him tightly. "Good morning, baby."

"Good morning."

Rinoa blinked. She frowned which quickly changed into a giggle. "Not you, dummy!" She laughed as she grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at Squall, before running over to the wardrobe, and shutting the alarm clock off.

"Well how am I supposed to know?" Squall grumbled as he pulled the pillow off his face and buried himself back under the covers. "You keep talking to that dog like it's human or something."

"More human than some people!" She retorted as she hugged Angelo, sticking her tongue out in Squall's general direction in a childish manner.

"Whatever." Was Squall's predictable answer. He closed his eyes, trying his best to go back to sleep. He had barely begun dozing when, sensing a new presence on the bed, cracked an eye open to peer at Rinoa. "What?"

Rinoa laughed. "Noooothing." She smiled, rolling onto her stomach, and propping herself up by the elbows. She laid her chin on the bridge of her folded hands. "'Love you…"

Squall sat up. "What's this about?"

"What?" Rinoa giggled. "I can't tell my boyfriend I love him?"

Squall sighed. "Sorry." He reached out, catching her ebony locks of hair in his fingers. "I love you too."

Rinoa leaned forward, catching his lips in hers as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Squall closed his eyes and kissed back.

Quistis studied the arrangement of the cards on the table. She bit her lip before turning her attention to the cards in her hand. It was terrible. "Are you quite sure I use to play Triple Triad all the time?"

Xu nodded. "In fact you were very good at it. You won the CC Group title of King from Kadowaki six years ago. You only had one single defeat…"

Well that's about to change. Quistis thought bitterly as she absently laid a card down. "It was nice of you to lend me your spare deck…"  
  


"Yes, well…"

Quistis shuffled the cards in her hand, looking at it, and shuffling it again.

"What are you doing?"

Quistis laughed weakly, and shrugged. "Stalling."

Xu joined her laugh. "It's alright, when you get your deck back, I'm sure you'll do better."

Quistis shook her head. "I don't think that's the problem. A capable player should be able to play their cards well, regardless of what kind they have in their hand." Quistis looked up at her friend in concern when Xu's laugh had died off abruptly and had changed into a mask of astonishment. "What?"

Xu shook her head. "Nothing. It's just that you told me that once, when I just joined the CC Group…"

Quistis blinked. "O-Oh. Well, uhm…this is good, right?"

"Yes, of course!" Xu said, her voice full of excitement and promise. "This means that your memory is coming back!"

Quistis smiled, but somehow couldn't bring herself to Xu's level of happiness. She had convinced herself that some things were not meant to be remembered.

Just then, Cid's secretary poked her head into the waiting room. "Miss Trepe? Miss Xiang? The Headmaster will see you now." She adjusted her thick glasses, then turned to scribble off something on her clipboard, before disappearing back into the conference room.

Both women rose to their feet at the call. Quistis didn't know why, but she found herself brushing off nonexistent dust and fixing the tie on her uniform. She turned to Xu, checking to see if her companion was ready.

Xu shook her head, waving the younger woman on. "Go on, I'll clean up."

Quistis nodded, before following in the direction the secretary had come from.

Xu collected the card decks, binding them with rubber bands and putting them in her purse. She was about to gather the other cards, but then stopped to study them.

"She beat me…" She muttered in awe.

"I say we put her on probation!"

"Oh come on, Carter! She's not a druggie for crying out loud! She just lost her memory and needs a while to recover…"

"There's still a question as to whether or not her memory will come back. Dr. Kadowaki said that there is a possibility that this…this illness is caused psychologically."

"Then that brings us to a whole other issue. Is she even competent for this job? I mean she has been fired before… Can the mind of a girl so young as her take on such a job as a SeeD Instructor?"

"Don't flatter yourself! Though Miss Trepe has had some problems in her past, I can assure you that she has not gone mad!"

"That is debatable!"

"Silence!" Cid yelled, slamming a heavy palm on the table to effectively hush the disorder. Staff members shut their mouths, surprised at the headmaster's sudden outburst of authority. This was the first time ever they had seen the headmaster raise his voice. Clearly the situation was more stressful to the man than he let on.

Cid sighed wearily, taking off his thick-framed glasses to rub at his brow. "The reason I called you here today was to inform you that Miss Trepe has taken a temporary leave of absence to recover from her injuries. NOT to give you all permission to engage each other in a free-for-all gossip session. May I remind you that this is a fellow co-worker you are speaking of and I had expected more respectable statements NOT insulting remarks." At this he eyed the specific staff members who had been bad-mouthing the young instructor.

"More over, we are now stretched thin in our duties. Xu has agreed to substitute for Quistis' fourth through seventh period classes. Is there anyone who would like to volunteer for the remaining three periods?" He sighed again when no one raised their hands. The staff members were overworked enough as it is. 

"Anyone?" Casting another hopeful glance over the conference room. Nothing.

"Well then you are dismissed." He said, waving them off before closing his eyes and falling back into the leather chair. 

All around the room, the teachers rose from their chairs and filed neatly out of conference room. As soon as the last person left the room and the door clicked closed, the door popped open again.

Cid, sensing another presence, blinked his tired eyes open. "Oh, Xu, it's you. You just missed the staff meeting." He cleared his throat as he sat up, exuding an aura of professionalism. "This does not sit well with me. I hope you have a good…" The words died on his lips almost as soon as they left his mouth. 

Standing in front of him was the last person he thought he would see. She looked different but that was to be expected. Her right hand was clasped tightly in Xu's as if the older woman was her life preserver, her blue eyes held desperation for Xu. But stemming from that desperation was trust-complete trust for her friend. But even in a disadvantaged state, Quistis still exuded her aura of strength, of her unbending will. She was the same Quistis he had always known. She didn't waver, she didn't hesitate, and she was firm. Cid almost laughed. What a fool he had been to expect any less from Quistis. Even with her loss of memory, she never allowed herself such a weakness as uncertainty and irresolution. But he had to wonder…was it done purposely or was her subconscious still active in her mind's weakened state.

"Quistis, this is Headmaster Cid of Balamb Garden." Xu indicated at the older man, conveniently leaving out the fact that he was also the man who had helped raised her when she was young. It wasn't her place to tell.

Cid smiled, and nodded at Quistis, which was returned. He gestured to the chairs beside his own. "Please, have a seat."

This was going to be a long day.


	12. Chapter Eleven: Fly High

Breathless

Chapter Eleven: Fly High

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

Disclaimers: FFVIII belongs to Squaresoft. The poem Quistis refers to is "I Wandered as Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth

Forever unable to leave this place   
Only because here there's a scenery that I'm familiar with   
If one day I were to return here again   
Using the same eyes to gaze at the same sky   
Will I still feel that it's just as beautiful?

                                        --"Fly High", Ayumi Hamasaki

Today was beautiful, as must have any other day been. The weather was exquisite, not too hot, but not cold either. Puffs of cotton-ball clouds were pinned across the vast expanse of blue sky, as the sun smiled happily upon Mother Earth. Once again…it was a beautiful day.

Quistis took this all in, and was awed.

She saw students walking to their classes, others were pausing to take a break during their passing time to grab a snack or hastily finish a procrastinated homework assignment.

A young girl rushed over to join her group of friends before they walked off, talking amiably with each other.

Another group of boys stood in a circle on the grass lawn, kicking a hacky sack between each other. However, one of them kicked it too hard, and it flew through the air, before hitting the ground near Quistis' feet.

The boys waved at her, smiling, and called for her to help return it.

"Hey Instructor Trepe! Can you hand that back to us?" The boy who had kicked the hacky sack yelled.

Quistis complied, bending down to pick up the bag in her fingers. She tossed it back to them, the boy brought his knee up to receive the bag. The boys gave a holler of thanks before returning to their activities.

Just then, the bell signifying the end of passing period, went off. The hacky sack boys moaned in protest, but reached for their backpacks to return to class. Students bid their friends goodbye before running off, so not to be tardy and be forced to serve detention.

Some students were still lingering, and Quistis knew that these were the students that would be marked "absent" in their third period roll call, only to suddenly appear again in their fifth period classes. But as they spotted Quistis, sitting on the park bench observing them silently, they turned on their heels and rushed off in an attempt to look blameless.

Eventually, Quistis was left to herself, with only the singing birds and gentle breeze to accompany her. She was to meet Headmaster Cid in his apartment to further discuss matters. But that wouldn't be until eight o' clock in the evening. It was only 11:45 in the morning right now.

Suddenly, Quistis found that she had a lot of time on her hands.

Her teaching was put on hiatus. They had given her a sort of vacation until she fully "recovered". It was all bullshit, but Quistis didn't really care, in fact she loved it.

She yawned, stretching her arms up, wincing as she heard a few bones pop back into place. She folded her arms behind her head, laying herself out on the bench.

The meeting she had with Mr. Cid this morning wasn't very eventful. They had just covered the "basics" as Xu had so put it. Which all the things they had told her, she could sum up in just a few sentences.

She peered up at the sun, through the spaces between the fingers of her outstretched hand. She winked to block out the sunlight stinging her left eye.

Quistis recalled to her mind, a simple manila folder she had been presented by Mr. Cid, with some reluctance on his part. She had to practically beg for it, but in the end, the older man consented.

"Trepe, Quistis. Born on October 4, the exact year is unknown, but we can estimate that she is currently twenty to twenty-one years of age. Height: 5'6" Blood Type: A Instructor ID No. 14, SeeD ID No. 9954635, SeeD Level: 30, SeeD Rank: A"

"A child prodigy, and the youngest person in Garden history to become a SeeD. An exceptional fighter," She continued, without a pause for breath. "Her leadership skills on the battlefield are invaluable. However, it is advised that her administration in the classroom be kept under close watch."

The last sentence, Quistis vividly remembered, as being blotted out with black ink but she had managed to decipher the words. It also said that her instructor license had been reinstated a couple years ago, after the Ultimecia War.

She sighed heavily. "I wandered as lonely as a cloud…"

Quistis continued to stare at the sky, through her splayed fingers. Overhead, a flock of birds flew over the Garden, their squawking echoing in her ears.

Something caught her eye.

Quistis pulled her hand away, squinting her eyes into the bright sun. A diamond was falling from the sky. She reached her hand up, to catch in her fingertips, a single white feather.

She held it delicately between her forefinger and thumb, gazing at it with a scrutinizing eye. At last, she took a quick breath and blew it away, watching it return to the heavens.

"What did you wish for?"

Quistis leapt to her feet, turning to meet the owner of the sweet voice.

Rinoa stood in the hallway that adjoined with Quistis' courtyard. She was resting with her arms crossed and a pleasant smile on her face. It was as if she had been hiding in the shadows this whole time, just watching her.

And she probably had.

"What?" Quistis said in a low voice, more to herself than Rinoa. She hadn't seen Rinoa since the day she woke up in the infirmary. In reality, it was only yesterday, but why did it feel like hundred of years?

"You're suppose to make a wish when you do that." Rinoa said as she lifted a finger to the sky, indicating the feather Quistis had released.

"Oh." The blonde woman said simply.

Rinoa laughed, and Quistis couldn't help but watch as the young sorceress' face lit up with merriment. "Come on, I'll take you to lunch. There's this great café over at Balamb…" She said as she cocked her head at the other girl. "Ok?"

Quistis opened her mouth to speak, but found that this wasn't the appropriate time. She nodded, before joining Rinoa.


	13. Chapter Twelve: M

Breathless

By Tyrael aka Broken Sword Disclaimers: FF8 belongs to SquareEnix Chapter Twelve: M 

**Author's Notes:**I would like to thank all my fans for being so patient with me, and the slow interval of my updates. It seems that everyday life is not very forgiving, unfortunately. 

And as far as the story goes, from this point on, the Quistis we'll see will be a different Quistis from the one we're used to. This is a woman who's lost everything, her inhibitions and obligations, her past and her future (as we will see soon).

Once again, thank you for reading and I hope that you will continue to find this humble story, worthy of your attention.

P.S. Thank you to Lisa, who e-mailed me way back during Chinese New Years. I offer my apologies, and this chapter, which I dedicate to you for your patience.

Again, somewhere in this city today  
Two people will meet and fall in love;  
The curtains are violently opened.  
  
Even so, everything eventually,  
Someday, has an end.  
  
Again, somewhere in this city today  
Two people split apart;  
The curtains are quietly dropped.

--"M", Ayumi Hamasaki

She had expected love to be fiery, passionate, raging with unspent emotion. She had expected it to be…wild. Like an untamed beast. But…she had not expected it to be gentle…to…complete her. She did not find love in lust-filled kisses, but in feather-light touches, honest smiles, and warm gazes.

Quistis looked up from her cup of Japanese green tea, to the other girl sitting across from her. Rinoa was stirring the milk into her cup of coffee, watching the swirls of white melt in with black. She delicately, tapped the spoon against the cup's rim, before placing it down and lifting the cup to her lips. A pink tongue darted out to catch the remaining droplets of bitter liquid before resting the cup down next to the spoon.

They didn't say anything to each other for a very long time. There was no tension, only a sense of peacefulness. And strangely, Quistis found herself appreciative.

She loved it how Rinoa didn't bother with the same questions everyone was asking her. Did she remember anything at all, is she adjusting well, why there were scars on her wrist…

Being here with Rinoa was much more…simpler. They had talked about the weather, favorite books or movies –or rather Rinoa had-, and how badly the man on the piano played…

Rinoa had laughed, saying that Quistis could have done an infinitely better amount of job with her guitar. She then sighed and said how much she missed Quistis' guitar playing and how disappointed she was that she hadn't touched in instrument in years. Quistis just smiled and assured her that she would look into it.

Although other people had also discussed such trivial matter with Quistis, she felt that it was different with the sorceress. When she talked, she did not feel that Rinoa was stepping on eggshells around her, or tiptoeing around an even bigger issue, as many before her had done. There was no pressure to remember the life she had led before.

Quistis sighed deeply, then turning her direction to the waves crashing on the shoreline. They sat on the bistro's patio, where it opened to Balamb's beach. Although the day was sunny, there were almost no people. Quistis assumed this was because it was weekday noon. Frankly, the entire town seemed to be in the same state of desertion.

"Aren't you going to reprimand me for not being in class?"

Quistis turned back to Rinoa, to find the girl gazing at her with mischievous eyes, and a smile to go along with it.

The blonde smiled in return. "I should, shouldn't I?" Shivers ran down Quistis' spine as she delighted in how Rinoa threw her head back and laughed.

She was like the wind, untamed and free. And Quistis felt like she couldn't catch her, even if she wanted to.

"The coffee's not so good today." Rinoa sighed, pulling a face. "How's your tea?"

"It's fine." Quistis replied simply, after a moment of hesitation. It would be rude to criticize a meal that she was being treated to.

Rinoa crinkled her nose. "Bullshit!" She declared. "Come on, try again."

Quistis raised her eyebrows, unsure of what to say, but decided to answer honestly. "Uhm…well it's somewhat bland…"

"Yes?"

"And um…uh…" Her eyes darted back and forth, unsure of what to say, unsure what answer Rinoa wanted.

Rinoa rolled her eyes, before waving her off with a delicate hand. "I suppose it will have to do for now." 

Quistis managed a small smile.

The brunette sighed again. "Well, I think we're done here." She waved for the check, and because Quistis has failed to bring her purse, the blonde could do nothing but thank Rinoa.

As they left the café, the sun was beginning to set, setting the sky and the Balamb Ocean alike, aflame with brilliant shades of fire.

"Sorry we can't go on the beach, huh?" Rinoa said, linking her arm through the blonde's. "Stupid monsters." She grumbled, leaning her head against Quistis' shoulder. "Too bad something so beautiful is untouchable."

"Yeah." Quistis said. "Too bad."

Quistis guessed that she must have been staring because there was the small sound of giggling before she felt herself being jerked forward by her hand.

"Where are we going?" Quistis heard herself shrieking in surprise as Rinoa led her running through the streets willy-nilly. The girl didn't reply, and the instructor didn't care. She was running along with her, side by side. She felt her voice joining Rinoa's as their laughter chorused together in unison. Quistis didn't care where they were going. Why they were running. She pretended that they were running away together, leaving everything behind them. The Garden, the Teaching Staff, the file she had found on Cid's desk…She pretended that there weren't scars on her wrist. 

She forgot about these things as they ran further and further away. Nothing seemed to matter. All she knew was Rinoa's smile, the space between them, their clasped hands, and the pounding of their hearts as they ran faster and faster.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: Heaven's Not Enough

Breathless

By Fei Xue aka Broken Sword  
  
Chapter Thirteen: Heaven's Not Enough  
  
Author's Notes: Wow, I just realized that I've been writing this fanfic for, what? Two years? Holy crap, guys. I better speed things up since we're not anywhere near the end. LOL Yes, uh, about the lack of updates. I can give you a million reasons why I don't update, and it still wouldn't matter. But that's ok, I'll give it to you anyways. Next year, I'm going to enter high school as a junior. This means SATs and SAT II tests to take, not to mention AP classes and a GPA to keep up. And as of now, I'm working on a novel with FidusAngelus (which we plan on making into a manga later in the future), and beta reading one of Shigan's fanfics (which is brilliant btw, and you should all go read it). I've already had to discontinue a few other of my fanfic works, but since this particular fanfic has grown on me, I still continue to keep it alive. So uh…excuse this poor humble high school student.   
  
Disclaimers: FF8 and all mentioned characters in this chapter belong to SquareEnix. "Heaven's Not Enough" is sung by Steve Conte, composed by Yoko Kanno.   
  
And heaven's not enough   
If when I'm there I don't remember you   
And heaven does enough   
You think you know it   
And it uses you   
I saw so many things   
But like a dream   
Always losing me in a cloud   
Cause I couldn't cry   
Cause I turned away   
Couldn't see the score   
Didn't know the pain   
Of leaving yesterday really far behind   
--Steve Conte, "Heaven's Not Enough"   
  
When Quistis returned to Xu's apartment, it was already dark, and the moon and stars had already begun their nightly debut. The night was relatively chilly, but the warmth she felt was like no other.   
  
Just five minutes ago, she had bid Rinoa goodnight as they parted paths. But not before the other girl had declared that the day had been something that she would have liked to repeat. So both women had agreed for another rendezvous, over the weekend, before they each went their ways.   
  
Quistis had to suppress an almost girlish giggle, when she came to Xu's doorstep. She reached into her skirt pocket to pull out the spare key her friend had given her that morning. Xu had explained that Quistis would be staying with her, temporarily, until they could get things "back to order". Quistis hadn't known what that meant, and neither had Xu. They didn't like the implication, but orders from the Headmaster were not to be denied. Speaking of the Headmaster…   
  
Quistis pushed away the sleeves of her shirt to check her watch for the time, afraid that she had not kept her appointment with Cid. Her heart dropped as her eyes traced the thin white lines on her wrist. That's right…she almost forgot. The reason why she was going to the meeting in the first place. She shook her head, pushing the dark thoughts away. Her questions would be answered soon. She was sure of it. But now was not the time to brood on dark thoughts. She flipped the light switch on as she entered, tossing the key on a nearby table, and closing the door quietly behind her. But apparently not quietly enough as a startled head popped up from behind the couch.   
  
"Good Hyne, Quistis! Thank goodness you're back!" Xu cried as she sat up, pushing papers and various portfolios off her chest. "Where in hell were you? I tried finding you at lunch but…" She set about fixing her mussed hair, primping herself until she made herself presentable again. Quistis smiled to herself as she sat down next to Xu. "I went out." She said simply, helping her friend pile the fallen stacks of paper and folders back into organization. "Alone?" Xu seemed fairly perturbed about this.   
  
"You don't have to keep an eye on me all the time, Xu." Quistis said softly, placing a gentle hand on Xu's shoulder. She did not wish to tell her friend about the little adventure she had with Rinoa. Partly for Rinoa's sake, so the other woman would not get in trouble for skipping courses, but in some small way, it was also a selfish thing. Quistis wished to keep Rinoa a secret. That the world, which she shared with Rinoa, was their own. It was ludicrous to think this way, yes. But indulgence was a private matter, why would anyone else need to know?   
  
The Asian woman winced visibly at Qusitis' touch. "It's not like that…we just worry about you." Xu said honestly.   
  
Quistis nodded, almost sadly. "Yes, I know."   
  
A small uncomfortable silence overtook them both. Quistis was the first to break; guilt flooded her resolve, upon seeing Xu's torn expression. "  
  
Did you have a good nap?"   
  
Xu stared back in shock at Quistis' smiling face.   
  
"What? I don't know what you're talking about." However in the back of her mind, she realized that this was Quistis' vague attempt at a subtle apology. It was actually kind of…relieving?   
  
"Come on, Xu." Quistis rolled her eyes. "I'm sure everyone has fallen asleep on the job sometime in their life." She gestured at the numerous stacks of unidentifiable documents.   
  
"Yeah, well…" Xu sighed, falling back into the couch, so that she was staring at the ceiling. "It's not supposed to happen to me."   
  
Quistis rose from her seat, making her way to the adjoining kitchen, disappearing from Xu's view. "Try to relax more often."   
  
Xu froze, checking herself to make sure that she hadn't heard wrong. Sitting up, she stared into the kitchen "What?"   
  
There was a clatter of dishware, before Quistis appeared with a glass of water in hand. "Stress isn't good for you." She only took a mouthful of water, before stopping at the stunned expression on her friend's face. "What?"   
  
Xu really didn't know how to reply. It had already become apparent that Quistis…was different somehow. But up until now, Xu hadn't been able to put her finger on it. But now it seemed that all her worries were…for naught. Quistis had changed. But the only things that she had left behind were her inhibitions. Her obligations.   
  
Quistis never had a normal childhood. Actually, that could be said for every student in Garden. However, out of all those people, Quistis probably had the harshest. She always had to grow up slightly faster than everyone else. Ever since the orphanage, she took care of people, just like herself. Whether it was soothing a child's tears, or breaking up a fight, such acts fed her maturity level years beyond her own age. It was her nature to guide others, to protect. Fueled by unfortunate circumstances, it was only a matter of time before her childhood started to burn away at a rate much to fast to be considered healthy. Xu, herself, had seen the change take place right before her eyes.   
  
At an age where she should have been going on shopping sprees, hanging out with her friends or just plain fooling around, Quistis was graduating two years ahead of her class. At an age where she should have been getting her first boyfriend, she was entering a work field where split-second decisions decided whether or not she would live through the day. And when her peers were finally graduating, it was she who was preparing the skills that they would take with them into the battlefield. No, life was not kind to Quistis.   
  
But Xu did remember a time when Quistis smiled genuinely. She remembered what it was to see her laugh. To see a face that was not covered by professionalism. It was a very long time ago, and it had faded away, like most memories did. But Xu hadn't forgot what that Quistis was like. That Quistis who stood before her, now.   
  
Only Quistis' quick reflexes saved the very expensive crystal glass tumbler from a messy and violent demise on the oak wood floor. She stared down at the sobbing mess that was Xu, buried in her chest. Her eye grew wide with heart-felt concern. "Xu! Xu, are you alright? Oh Hyne, was it something I said?"   
  
Xu managed to tear herself away long enough to slap Quistis on the arm and cry out through her tears. "I'm happy, you idiot!"   
  
"O-Okay!" Qusitis stuttered in shock at Xu's erratic behavior as her friend, once again, attached herself back onto her boobs and bawled insanely.   
  
After a while, it became apparent that Xu wasn't going anywhere soon. Not that Quistis meant to be insensitive…but she DID have a meeting with the Headmaster in fifteen minutes.   
  
She stopped patting Xu's hair for a second, before checking the clock again. She winced.   
  
Make that ten minutes.   
  
"Um…Xu, darling…I have to go meet the Headmaster now…" Quistis began, as carefully as she could. But apparently, she had underestimated Xu, for the older woman had already begun to withdraw, as she dried her eyes with the back of her hand.   
  
"Oh yes," Xu coughed, clearing her throat. "How silly of me. But uh, that won't be necessary," She said, stopping Quistis before the blonde had the chance to turn to leave. "You see, Mrs. Kramer dropped this off a few hours ago."   
  
Quistis stepped forward, taking the object from Xu's hand, inspecting it closely. "She's rescheduled you for tomorrow night. But she said that you can come anytime in between, if you feel the need to."   
  
"It's a key." Quistis said, matter-of-factly.   
  
"Yes, it's your house key." Xu affirmed, frowning as she watched Quistis look back at key, as if it was some strange foreign object that she had never seen before. "You can move back in tomorrow."   
  
Personally, she didn't know what was going through Edea's mind when she decided to allow Quistis back into her apartment. Just give her a few more days for Hyne's sake! It was too soon!   
  
Xu had personally been to Quistis' apartment after…the incident. It was…like a scene taken right from a horror movie. Xu remembered that she didn't even go inside the apartment. As soon as she opened the door, she was running away, towards the nearest bathroom.   
  
What had dripped off the table soaked the carpet in a sea of crimson, and the stench of it was gut wrenching. So much had been spilled, that there was no doubt it was a miracle that had saved Quistis' life. A crew had been sent in to clean up, but in the end, it was decided to re-carpet the entire room. Of course, she doubted they could get rid of the smell. Reminiscent of the battlefield, was the only way Xu could describe it.   
  
Xu had contemplated not giving Quistis the key, but quickly refuted the idea. She would have been founded out too soon, and could be punished severely on disobeying orders. Besides, she could always work on persuading Quistis to stay at her place for a little longer.   
  
"You know…" Xu said slowly. "You don't have to go there now. We could wait…"   
  
Quistis shook her head silently, her eyes never leaving the key that rested in the palm of her hand.   
  
Xu bit her lip. She wished dearly that she could have known what was going through her friend's mind at that moment. But then again, why did she always have to beat around the bush? They were friends; it was ok to talk about emotions.   
  
"How do you feel?" Xu asked delicately.   
  
Quistis didn't answer for a while. She slowly moved back to the couch, sitting down, still staring at her house-key, as if she was watching it.   
  
Xu was about to ask again, not sure if Quistis had heard, until a small whisper of an answer barely reached her ears.   
  
"Curious." Quistis turned the key over in her hand. "I'm feeling curious."   
  
TBC   
  
Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this darned website. The formatting is a bitch. This chapter is actually 7 pages long. Really. I know.  
  
I tried making this chapter longer than the one before. But this seemed like an appropriate place to end it.   
  
Jade Chen 


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